Match Report: Stallions 5 - 0 Crappies

Accies line up for their pre game photo.

"Who are the Accies? They are supposed to be Uni students. Some say their coach was German. Nobody ever believed they were real. Nobody ever knew them or saw anybody that ever played directly for them, but to hear Milky tell it, anybody could have played for the Accies. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Accies ever pulled was convincing the club they actually existed."

The Staccies became the Crappies with the Stallions still unsure who the Accies actually are.

With tensions high after being shafted in the first game, the Stallions came out with a point to prove.  There weren’t too many familiar faces from the first time these teams met which came as no surprise.  These were not the usual suspects.  Being transferred from KP to Wilton meant that free flowing attractive football was not going to be as easy to play as it has been, and also meant that Aaron faced an early shout for Pony as his taxi ride from the University to Wilton Park cost close to $50 (should have been $15-20 tops) as neither he nor the taxi driver had any idea where they were going.

The game got off to a rough start when Rauru was viciously chopped down after he managed to beat a player on the outside.  The pain was obvious but being the tough as nails player that he is he managed to restrain most of the anguish and only let out a little groan as he went down.  The Stallions supporters were outraged and howls of derision and whistles were hurled around towards the Accie culprit.  It sounded more like a derby between Fenerbache and Galatasaray than the two heavyweights from Vic Uni.  The Stallion supporters were so annoyed at Rauru for restraining his pain, rather than showing his true hurt and potentially getting the Accies player booked, that he was given a Pony nomination.  Credit to Rauru though, that’s just not the sort of player that he is.

Stallions then got on the board relatively early from an in-swinging corner (against the wind) from Paddy.  The corner flew in, the keeper came for it and missed, and with the ball almost over the line which would have given Paddy only his second goal of the season, Heath thrusts his hips like Jagger and manages to thigh/testie/stomach/chest over the line.  1-0.

The second goal came a bit later into the half which started with good interchange down the right, before swinging the ball to the left to a galloping Gerald, who then swung it back to the right where Rauru found himself in space to have a hit.  The initial shot was parried by the keeper, the follow up shot blocked by a defender and with Heath screaming “LEAVE IT” Rauru decided to have a ping with his left and crashed the ball into the net just under the cross bar. 2-0.

Right on the stroke of half time the Stallions had an opportunity for a third as a ball was whipped in from the left to Rauru who was unmarked in the box.  Calls of “Time!!” where yelled out but Rauru thought that rather than control, look up, assess options, work out angles, wind direction, ball pressure, and goal keeper height and agility levels before picking any spot he liked, he’d actually dummy and let the ball go through his legs to Lloyd who was approaching.  Lloyd apparently hadn’t anticipated this stunning display of trickery (not for the first time in the half it might be said.  Gee, slow learner that Lloyd.  Lloyd may or may not have been as close as Rauru had thought) and wasn’t able to get on the ball with the chance going begging and the score remaining at 2-0.  Another Pony nomination for Rauru.

Half time came and went with the Stallions feeling good and not being under any real pressure.

The second half got under way and it wasn’t long before the Stallions had a big advantage.  A ball was punted out by goalkeeper Tim and with a bit of breeze behind it, it bounced over the last defender with Rauru running through on goal.  The Accies defender obviously had never seen Rauru in 1-on-1 situations before and decided that giving away a penalty was a safer option (foolish as Rauru’s strike rate from penalties is 100% over the last two years), so chopped him down in the box.  With Graham screaming from the other end of the park “RED CARD!!! IT HAS TO BE A RED CARD!!” (he’s been watching too much John Terry) the referee agreed and gave the Accies defender his marching orders and a bill for $50.  It was rumoured that the defender was last seen straightening up from a limp and walking towards Milky's house.

Rauru being in supremely confident mood (despite apparently many of his team mates not feeling the same way – bastards) forgot his pre-penalty routine and the keeper guessing the right way, got down well and made a good save.  2-0 it stayed but Accies down to 10.  A third Pony nomination racked up for Rauru.

The third goal wasn’t too far coming however and Rauru redeemed himself for the penalty miss as Bakky whipped in a great ball from the left, it found Rauru in the middle with some space due to the lack of extra defender who took it round (read: mis-controlled round) a defender and tucked it past the keeper with his right foot.  3-0 and game over as a contest.

But while the Accies would have been happy to pick up their toys and go home, the Stallions had a goal difference to make up and so kept applying the pressure.  With space opening up due to the extra player, the Stallions created again down the left and a high cross was put into the box.  Rauru sensed an opportunity for a hattrick and ran to get a head on it knowing that the keeper was coming but wasn’t going to fully get there.  Just as the ball was coming down however Rauru lost it in the sun.  Fortunately it managed to hit him on the head and lob over the oncoming keeper into the net (this author is told that it looked much more classy than that from the sideline!).  Left foot, right foot, head for the perfect hattrick and as it turns out possibly the first hattrick scorer to get Pony.  Bastards.  4-0 Stallions.

The Stallions still weren’t done however with Heath getting a second to make it 5-0 but by that stage no one remembers how it was scored.  Bakky claims he got the assist and since no one can be bothered arguing we awarded it to him.

While Rauru was awarded the Pink and the match report honours there were many notable contenders.

·         Aaron – Being warned by the ref for his wild kicks (“Is that with or without the ball, ref?” – a fantastic ‘Heard on the Sidelines’).

·         Aaron – Getting lost pre-game and taking a $50 taxi.

·         Paddy – Slipping over in the mud when taking a corner.

·         Bakky – Screaming at all his teammates for not passing him the ball.

·         Bakky – Screaming at all his teammates for passing him the ball.

·         Bakky – Blaming his teammates for Bakky being off side.

·         Bakky – Just cause it would have been funny to piss him off more than he was already pissed off.

·         Bakky – Referring to himself in the third person on the blog and in emails.

·         Lloyd – Apparently not being telepathic.

·         Graham – Having the nerve to call himself a striker for 5 minutes and even get a shot away that almost went in.  It obviously went to his head as he asked, nay, demanded that he be put into left mid towards the end of the game when Gerald came off.

·         Graham – Screaming at the ref to award a red card.

·         The ref – Saying that the final score was 6-0 cause he thought the penalty had gone in (he obviously knew Rauru’s reputation and was already back at halfway)

Stallion went to Chris who not only put his hand up to sit out the game, but still showed up with his family to watch the game and support the boys, before coming back to the clubrooms afterwards with the family for a beer as well.  True Stallion.

Big shout out to Tom and Dan who also came along to support the boys in our quest for back-to-back promotions.

A great win with lots of shits and giggles along the way.  2 more to go!  WE DON’T SLIP!  WE GO AGAIN!!

End of Season review - 2013

Very late, but needs to be done for record keeping. None of the award recipients were there so a second nomination was given to people who were.

Stallion: Paddy. Scored or assisted in every game he played (I think) except one which was a game vs Olympic at Wakefield when gale force winds meant he couldn't get it into the penalty box from his wing. Graham collected it on the night for only conceding 1 goal, from a penalty, in 3021 minutes of football. Amazing stuff.

Colt: Tom. But on a solid first season with an exceptional second season, full of goals and assists. Can't remember who got it on the night.

 Pony: Our favourite award which had the honor of going to Dan. The leakiest keeper this side of the Rimutaka Gorge. Conceded 11x the number of goals as Graham, and didn't get his name on the score sheet either. Thank goodnees that guy isn't playing for us anymore ;). Chris got it on the night as the only person there that didn't get on the score sheet.

We were also awarded club 'Team of the Year' for being the only team in the club to win a grade, and our 12 goals conceded (*cough* 11 by Dan *cough*) was the least number of goals by any team in any grade in Capital Football. What a team, what a year!

 

 

Downing his Sour Cream & Beer "I didn't get on the score-sheet" drink.

Match Report: Stallions 4 - 3 Naenae

The Pony post from our beloved Heath
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 My debut pony arrived in the first game of the year last season. As least this year I made it to the second week.

This week's game was located in the legal-high capital of NZ - Naenae. Playing conditions were marvellous apart from foot-long grass which made passing a challenge. The opposition looked young and fast but thankfully the dirty-old-men insults were just an Eastbourne tactic. Or perhaps it was the fact that Paddy, Lloyd, Carrick and Tim were missing. That’s almost 160 years of experience missing. Geezus.

 We started well, making the most of a low key warm-up to blitz the first 10 minutes. Some great play around the sides resulted in an extremely agile run down the left wing from Bakie. With no room to work with, he crossed the ball into the path of a retreating defender who, unable to clear the ball from the goalmouth, could only watch as Rauru completed the follow up. 1-0.

It didn’t take long for Naenae to respond. A powerful warning shot from 30 yards was followed by a thunderbolt from the same distance. The ball clipped the underside of the cross bar and Paul stood no chance. Lesson learned - perhaps we'll start defending from further out.

Naenae then went 2-1 up after breaking through the middle. Tangihaere decided he'd already saved enough goal chances and called on Paul to front up. Unfortuantely Paul was still 30m from the ball and was powerless to a lobbed shot. Lesson learned - we need more goals.

Tragedy then struck as Bakkie went down with an over-laden little toe. With only the bare 11, all eyes truned to Gus on the sideline, still in his no.1s after a big Friday night. Despite strict instructions from his missus not to take the field, Gus pulled on his boots and strutted out. I assumed Gus couldn't bear to watch his fellow Stallions battle away with 10 men. He later confessed that a vacant striking slot was too mouth-watering to turn down.

Stallions went to the break knowing they would benefit from downhill conditions in the second half. The call was made for Route 1 football. Back to basics.

The second half started well. I managed to fashion a shot on goal and while there was acres of room to slot it inside the RH post, I smashed it straight at the keeper. Such poor direction caught the keeper by surprise and he could only parry it into the left hand corner. I apologised for such an awful shot. The keeper apologised to me for a poor save. It was a strange exchange.

We then went ahead. A lovely ball from [?] put Rauru through on goal and he cooly slotted his 2nd. 3-2 Stallions.

Naenae then pressed and when a stray cross flew towards our goal, I rose to help it on its way over Paul's outstretched arms and beneath the bar. Pony locked-in. First own goal in 30 years of football.

At 3-3, we pressed up-field to win numerous corners and free-kicks. Then, we only moments left, the ball emerged from the Naenae goalmouth. I nicked the ball from the path of an advancing Azza (who had a certain shot on goal - and even had his shirt half-off in anticipation of a goal celebration) and passed to Tom who chipped to the keeper. Most of the Stallions turned away to ready themselves for the restart only to find the keeper had somehow forgotten to catch the ball (perhaps with his mind on the next play). This description doesn't really do the whole incident justice but the result was everyone feeling slightly embarrassed and the Stallions winning 4-3.

Great games from everyone around the park. Particularly a great debut from Tharron in the middle, Tangihaere at the back and Glen filling in on the right.

Close pony-worthy moments 1. Glen for admitting he went for a 15km run before the game. 2. Gus for his yellow card dissent (geez, if you're going to get one, make it worse than that).

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For those of you that missed it, Heath's OG looked a little like #8 in this. The fight that happened afterwards is also reminiscient of Aaron and Heath's fight which should really claim the assist for Tom's goal, rather than Heath's pass. #3 is kinda similar to Heath's goal as well: To be fair to Heath, he could have almost claimed Stallion as well with his goal which is pretty similar to a lot of these goals, in particular the one at 5:40. Should also be pointed out that Paul went from zero to hero. Nice work Paul! A big save at a big time of the game.

Fantasy points vs North Wellington Wolves

I forgot to add this photo with my match report last week.  It summed up my day.  At the pub afterwards, having a beer and a wedge, and a big dollop of sour cream ends up in my drink.  The upside is that we've worked out the punishment if you don't score a goal this season - skull a beer with a BIG dollop of sour cream in it!

Graham - 60+, CS, 3 saves = 8

Tangihaere - 60+, Defensive Clean Sheet = 7
Paddy - 60+, DCS = 7

Tim - 60+, DCS = 7

Tom - 60+, DCS, D goal, 3bp = 17

Lachlan - 60+, DCS, D goal = 14

Chris - 60-, CS = 6

Gerald - 60+, Mid CS, assist = 7

Lloyd - 60+, MCS, 2bp = 7

Heath - 60+, MCS, M goal = 9

Carrick - 60+, MCS, M goal, assist, 1bp = 13

Bakky - 60+, assist = 5

Rauru - 60+ = 2 :(

Goals (assists) - Carrick (Bakky), Tom (Gerald), Lachlan (none given), Heath (Carrick)

Stallion - Tom for his cracking strike from 30 out.  

Other contenders include Lachlan for his goal from 30 out (up there with Tom's but it was a shit first touch that put him in position and he slipped as he kicked the ball) and Chris for taking down a man literally twice his size.  Getting called a 'maggot' was good entertainment value as well.

Pony - Bakky for his disgraceful bakky-healed attempt at scoring when he could have paid it on a plate for G (the fact that G would have blazed over anyway doesn't matter).  His attempt at saying there was a man in between them when the only thing between them was 3m of fresh air, and his 5-year-old-boy cry of "Mummy!  Why won't they pass it to me on the left!" tops it off.

Other votes went to Graham for charging out of goal only to clear the ball straight to their strikers, then walking back to the penalty spot to pick daises while the defenders threw themselves about trying to maintain the clean sheet, and Paddy for the ultimate in unStallion-like behaviour of kicking one of their players off the ball like a petulant child after a minor tussle.

Stallions 7 - 0 North Wellington Rebels

It’s not often that you sit down at the pub after a 7-0 win and the mood is somewhat low, but that seemed to be the case after the latest win.  There didn’t seem to be much intensity which is probably to be expected when you aren’t met with much intensity, but when you put 7 goals past an opponent and could easily have had at least 3 more, things must have been going well.

The Stallions defence was largely untroubled and worked the ball around the back with good movement.  Almost all the goals were scored with a number of passes strung together, and I can’t think of any that were scored from outside the box which shows that the tiki-taka style of football is paying dividends.

The Stallions were up 3-0 at halftime with goals to me, Heath and a debut goal for last weeks Pony, Gerald, with Bakky providing the assist for all three.

The first was a well worked move down the left with Bakky putting in a cross which I met with the head and glanced it past the keeper.  1-0.

That shortly became 2-0 when Bakky put in a neat little through ball to G who got there just before the on-rushing keeper and managed to bundle it over the line.

The third came after another ball was whipped in from the left (from a corner maybe?) which Bakky met with his head.  The keeper saved but only managed to parry right into the path of Heath who was following up well to prod it in. 

It should have so easily been 4 but it wasn’t which is why I’m writing this match report.  I think it was Bakky again that put in a neat little through ball which I ran on to.  The keeper came out but I got there first and tapped it past him to his left, leaving me about 18 yards out on the corner of the box.  With an open goal I hit it with my left and watched dismayed as I missed by a good meter or two leaving the crowd roaring with laughter.  Continue laughing fools, your team has conceded 300 goals already this season (or was that Panda and Paddy laughing on the sidelines?).

The second half was much the same.  Bakky prodded in a goal mouth scramble, he provided a tap in for me after jinking to the byline then cutting it back, Heath got on the end of a Paddy corner and nodded home and Graham scored a great goal after Lloyd evaded a few defenders and put in cross which Graham met with his left after running in from right midfield.  Bakky claims that it was 90% shin but I’m pretty sure he’s just jealous since despite being the top goal scorer, none of his goals even come close to being as classy as Graham’s ;).

 Again, amongst all this I earned another nomination for Pony.  Paul put in a defence splitting through ball from the back, I ran on to it, cut back on my left taking out the defender and most of the keeper, and then with my right managed to miss the goal left with about 80% of it being wide open.  However I was not alone in the nominations for Pony and on another day it could have easily been someone else writing this blog.

-          No one will forget Paul’s throw-in in the second half which went twice as high as it did long.  As ugly as it was it was probably a legit throw-in!

-          Joe put in a fantastic cross in the first half.  Unfortunately it was down our end and straight to one of their strikers who was sitting in the box.

-          Paddy’s disgraceful blatant attempt at getting more fantasy points by trying to curl in a corner with his right foot from the right hand corner.  He managed to hit the post but his blatant disregard and lack of respect for the opposition is matched only by Mario Balotelli’s back heal attempt at goal.  We actually gave him Pony for it at the pub but he cried and packed a sad so we felt sorry for him and I got it instead.

-          And had they scored from it, Aaron surely would have got a Pony for his MASSIVE air ball.  Attempting to clear the ball he took a huge swing at the ball and only managed to push it further towards our goal and one of their strikers.  It took a good save from Lachlan to keep the clean sheet.

So after all that, here’s how the breakdown goes:

Stallion – Graham for his great goal.

Pony – Rauru for a shocker of a miss (or two)

MVPs – 3-Bakky (goal and 4 assists), 2-Graham (clean sheet and good goal), 1-Gerald (goal and good work down the left)

Goals (assists) – Rauru (Bakky), Gerald (Bakky), Heath (Bakky), Bakkie (none credited), Rauru (Bakky), Heath (Paddy), Graham (Lloyd)

Newbies in among the fantasy points

The dawn of a new era brought with it a host of points for the newbies. Chris, Bakkie, Heath, Gerald and Tim all laced up their Stallions boots, pulled up their Stallions socks and put on their Stallions shirt officially for the first time, and boy did they look smart.

Those familiar with Fantasy Premier League be familiar with the scoring system and will also know that Aaron and I awesome, and everyone else pretty much gives up after 10 rounds as our lead is huge by then. This year Jason is being a pretender and hanging around like a bad smell, but just like Tottenham inevitably do, he'll crap out towards the end.

This is how the points are awarded and a few rules around them:

Action                                     Points 
For playing up to 60 minutes 1 
For playing 60 minutes or more 2 
For each goal scored by a goalkeeper or defender 6 (7 for Stallions)
For each goal scored by a midfielder 5 
For each goal scored by a forward 4 
For each goal assist 3 
For a clean sheet by a goalkeeper or defender 4 (5 for Stallions)
For a clean sheet by a midfielder 1 (2 for Stallions)
For every 3 shot saves by a goalkeeper 1 
For each penalty save 5 
For each penalty miss -2 
Bonus points for the best players in a match 1-3 
For every 2 goals conceded by a goalkeeper or defender -1 (unless we win - see below)
For each yellow card -1 
For each red card -3 
For each own goal -2 

Clean sheets 
 A clean sheet is awarded for not conceding a goal whilst on the pitch and playing at least 60 minutes. If a player has been substituted when a goal is conceded this will not effect any clean sheet bonus. 

Red Cards 
If a player receives a red card, they will continue to be penalised for goals conceded by their team. Red card deductions include any points deducted for yellow cards 

Assists 
Assists are awarded to the player from the goal scoring team, who makes the last touch before the goal is scored. If after this touch, an opposing player touches the ball outside the penalty area altering the intended destination of the ball, then no assist is given, except if this intervention directly results in an own goal. In the event of a penalty or free-kick, the player earning the penalty or free-kick gets an assist if a goal is directly scored, but not if he takes it himself, in which case no assist is given.

For the Stallions though there are a few differences.

Defenders and goalkeepers traditionally struggle when it comes to points compared to the glory boys up front so we've made some adjustments there. If we keep a clean sheet, the D and GK gets 5 points. If the team concedes one goal and we still win you get 4 points. If we concede 2 goals and still win you don't lose a point and get 1 point. Midfield gets 1 point if we concede 1 and still win, and 2 for a clean sheet. Because we change around our positions so much within a game, points are awarded to the position where you spent most of the time. If it's even the points master will have final say. Average points can be given and will be rounded down (i.e. 3 points if you play half mid and half D (5 + 2 / 2) as is the case for Dan and Chris this week). I've thought about this formula for a good few minutes so feel free to argue it with me. I think it's the fairest.

The number of saves a goalkeeper makes is a judgement call. It's fair to say that none were made on the weekend (I don't think?)

So with that in mind, here are this weeks points. I'll need some help for Bakkies assists for 1st (Paul) and 2nd (Lloyd?) goals, and Heath's goal (Dan). I got Bakkie's 2nd and Tim got Tangihaere's. No assist given for Paul's goal. It's important to note that this doesn't necessarily reflect a players importance to the team but it's a good way to have a laugh and keep things a little bit interesting.

Dan (60+, clean sheet GK/M, assist) = 9
Tim (60+, clean sheet D, assist) = 10
Tangihaere (60+, clean sheet D, D goal) = 13
Graham (60+, clean sheet D/GK) = 7
Paul (60+, clean sheet D, D goal, assist) = 16
Chris (60+, clean sheet M/D) = 5
Gerald (60+, clean sheet M, 2bp) = 6
Lloyd (60+, clean sheet M) = 4
Heath (60+, clean sheet M, M goal, 3bp) = 11
Bakkie (60+, 3 goals, 1bp) = 15
Rauru (60+, assist) = 5 (Ah shit! Do I get double since I was captain, oh hang on, I said Bakkie was, scrap that idea) (Oh, forgot to give myself the assist.  Yessss)

As mentioned, Stallion and Pony award go to people for doing something Stallion or Pony like. Missing sitters or making amazing goal line saves will earn you them. As will anything else funny or awesome. Pony can have a cracker of a game, earn 3bps and still get Pony, as Heath has proven. Sometimes the same person is up for Stallion and Pony but from memory it's never gone to the same person. It'd take something special for that to happen.

Stallion this week was Paul for his great goal at one end and great block at the other.
Pony was Heath for the tiki-taka miss. Look forward to reading the match report Heath!

Our Esteemed Leader

I didn't want to but you forced me to do it!

I could go on all night Rauru Goebbels. Stop now while you are ahead!

VIDEO DELETED - INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT

There is hours of footage of good stuff I could be adding!

Robinho to commence play in advance of season

The case of the missing stallion

The Stallion has not been seen now for 3 weeks. The last 3 recipients have not received their glittering trophy, and his status is now uncertain. The last person seen with the Stallion was Nick White, which makes sense since he has a history of stealing our trophies (remember the great lost pony saga of 2006?), and has not been at the game/post game sessions since he was awarded the prize. It was Tristin who first pointed the finger, and he's dodgy as hell and has a history of Stallion abuse (remember last season's dumping in the rubbish bin?) so he's got to be a suspect.

We need to find the Stallion, and then settle on a suitable fine.

Someone call the SPCA ...

... this is the worse case of Stallion abuse ever recorded.

And I'm not talking about Logan being forced to swing by Glassons on the way to last week's fine session, though that's a close second.

Its fair to say Panda has brought his own style to the Stallions - no other member has ever played football Saturday, league Sunday. But after being awarded the Stallion (for the first time) against Terrace a few weeks back - the unthinkable happened. Panda put our precious Stallion 'trophy' in the rubbish bin along with the empty beer bottles. It wasn't until he got to the car and asked Tristin if he had it, before he scampered back and retrieved it from the bin.

Years of stallions tradition could have been lost in one second. On the rare occasions Nick gets the stallion he sleeps with it. I have seen Ben H refuse to let his pony-obsessed pre-schooler touch the Stallion. Such is the respect for the little black stallion (I think all those other 'abuses' forced between the Stallion and Pony trophies are also in some ways a sign of respect - except for that time Gus put them both in .... (stop now).

Anyway, Pandas idoltarous actions have been noted, and heavily fined.

As with that last post I am working from hearsay - and may not have it all exactly right. You would have to go to the source - Tristin - who was also fined for ratting out Panda.