I think this is Gus's match report from the Sea Captains game

It's got a David Lynch feel - I'm sure it weaves together about 3 different games, has no idea with what actually happened, and perhaps at some point Logan stops to share peyote with his spirit animal. Its a bit weird, but here goes:

A more flattering view of everyone's favourite ginger pony

The Stallions started in their usual shemozzle fashion going two nil down all too quickly. Had I known the ridicule one faces when volunteering, out of the goodness of one’s heart to support the club, only to be awarded the grand shame of pony, I would have paid (more? Some?) attention to the game.

So, like many other of my pony reports, the details will be known only to those players with a passion for stats, tactics and how to play fantasy football. So who knows how the Pirate Sea Captain scored their first goal? Likely a breakaway after losing possession deep in the opposition half or perhaps a leprechaun trying to dribble out of left back -definitely not a chip the keeper scenario however.

The second goal was easily slotted from the penalty spot although I suspect Graham did get a palm to it. A scurvy for’ward was tripped near the sideline and incredibly defied gravity falling sideways into the penalty area (about 2-3 metres away) to claim a penalty kick.

Gradually climbing back into the game the boys in black (a big thanks to #Welmantechnologies) made forays into opposition territory stringing some nice passes together. Lloyd worked well through the middle and was supported excellently by both Dan and Gerald who both had a lot of puff in their sails. This led to Gerald's headed goal which is a contender for team goal of the year and more than enough to earn him the title of Stallion (are you going to put some options up on the blog Aaron?). It all starting from a throw-in from inside our own half followed by some excellent link work through the middle. Bakkie is said to have made the assist.

Next up a penalty was awarded to the Stallions after Lloyd was scythed down on a mazy run, and Bakkie calmly slotted home. More shouts of “aaargh, that be a penalty” were heard midway through the second half but this aging defender had earned himself a free hand ball in the box. This was achieved by befriending the referee before kick off by casually asking him to clarify the handball law and other “I-don’t-really-care-but-asking-your-opinion-gets-you-onside” questions.

Late in the second half a no look flying tackle resulted in an excellent save. Graham, woozy, bloodied but triumphant stood ready to take on the next karate challenge by an increasingly lippy centre forward. However his courageousness was overruled by some clear heads and he was escorted to the waiting flagons of thick, hoppy brown liquid on the sideline.

After a series of hard but fair tackles, Rauru was right in the action. Flying in from 20 metres away and taking out a deserving Pirate Sea Captain  who was rather upset by it all our captain stood his ground which encouraged  peace to break out again. However the sea dog must have been concussed too as he was took quite a shine to the East Coast pretty boy and offered him a modelling contract. This coincidentally may have been when Rauru earned his fashion police badge and placed yours truly on the worst dressed list for this season (apparently green and orange are the winter season’s no no).

A well fought out win that was never in doubt.  4-3 Stallions.

Monday Match Report

Wainui 0, Stallions 2 

This week it was the big trip to the ‘Nui.  If this was a practice road trip for larger trips to Kapiti and Masterton, then the turnout of many players at 12:27pm doesn’t bode well.  Time to get those baked beans in earlier.

Conditions:  Fine with a chilly southerly. 

Game started fast and with Bakky warming himself on the sideline, I was restored to my glory days up front.  Why is there so much damn sprinting?  Is this why Carrick hardly talks during the game? 

The wind and length of grass made passing a bit difficult but the game was good quality with both sides having chances.   

The pony award was earned at about the half hour mark.  While lining up a free kick from the left, Gerald gave me the secret nod ‘this is coming to you buddy’.  He duly sent it in over a couple of defenders.  With no one to beat, I rose, closed my eyes, and nodded the ball over the crossbar.    

Half time it was 0-0 but the Stallions have been second-half specialists this season.  This was challenged when the Stallions went down to 10 men and it was one-way traffic.  It wasn’t looking good at all until Phil (the man for the big occasion) Bak chanced his arm from 40 yards.   I’d like to use words like ‘piledriver’ or ‘daisycutter’ to describe the shot but ‘stern backpass’ seems best.  Not sure how the keeper let it through. 

Fair to say, it broke the ‘Nui.   

It was Stallions from then on.  Rauru, after a bit of nose-to-nose with a centre-back, ping ponged his way through 3 defenders and slotted home.  A good, battling goal.  2-0.  Game over.

Huge games from everyone on the park.  Paul was immense in goal, the backline (Graham, T, Aaron, Paddy/G) put on one of the best shows of the season, Milky was up to his usual standards, Dan was seen defending two sides of the pitch??  Anyone else? 

Looking forward to someone else wearing the pink this weekend…

Game 2: Vs IBU Powershop, courtesy of 'striker' Heath

Gus and his sore back hits the dancefloor

Conditions - fine and sunny.  Grass – very long. Milky had worked some mid-week magic to get 11 players.  

Stallions went 2-0 down early thanks to some loose officiating of the offside line (well that’s what we said).  Probably due more to the lack of warm ups.

The Stallions got angry.  A lovely free kick from Tangi saw the ball nodded back across goal and then into the IBU net from Hamish. Second half and we were sensing a change in momentum.  

Starting to dominate possession and territory, a pin-balling session in the IBU box eventually saw Thad slot home.  Then a sweeping move down the right saw Hamish smash home a second with the goal of the day.

3-2 up, Stallions used every trick to hold on.  Uri was red carded for a brilliantly timed professional foul, while Aaron pulled a calf but soldiered on as the lone striker.  When the final whistle went, it a bl**dy relief

Not sure what the team thought of the Stallion award, but I lost count of the number of goal-saving tackles from Tangi and then Gus later on.  Milky had to be up there for deciding to try and touch the ball every 3 seconds and putting in a performance that was out of kilter with the fitness of the rest of his team.  

Looking forward to the Magpies this weekend.

Any other thoughts? On the injury front - we moved Gus preventively from striker to central defender because of his sore back. But then from his facebook page that night: 'flagged j'ville - we nailed the eighties at electric avenue until last train home.' Probably saw Bakkie there, still talking about that red card. Bakkie we need your thoughts on that event recorded for the blog - tell us about it.

Oi, who got the assists? Milky got the last touch before Thad's goal? What about Hamish's - was it Heath who headed across goal?

And nominations for Stallion and pony -I back Heath's nomination of Tangihaere and/or Milky.

Pony? Heath's constant talking back to the ref was mentioned on the day - even started before the game where he refused to put his bags on the grass! Must be others?

Match Report: Stallions 5 - 0 Crappies

Accies line up for their pre game photo.

"Who are the Accies? They are supposed to be Uni students. Some say their coach was German. Nobody ever believed they were real. Nobody ever knew them or saw anybody that ever played directly for them, but to hear Milky tell it, anybody could have played for the Accies. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Accies ever pulled was convincing the club they actually existed."

The Staccies became the Crappies with the Stallions still unsure who the Accies actually are.

With tensions high after being shafted in the first game, the Stallions came out with a point to prove.  There weren’t too many familiar faces from the first time these teams met which came as no surprise.  These were not the usual suspects.  Being transferred from KP to Wilton meant that free flowing attractive football was not going to be as easy to play as it has been, and also meant that Aaron faced an early shout for Pony as his taxi ride from the University to Wilton Park cost close to $50 (should have been $15-20 tops) as neither he nor the taxi driver had any idea where they were going.

The game got off to a rough start when Rauru was viciously chopped down after he managed to beat a player on the outside.  The pain was obvious but being the tough as nails player that he is he managed to restrain most of the anguish and only let out a little groan as he went down.  The Stallions supporters were outraged and howls of derision and whistles were hurled around towards the Accie culprit.  It sounded more like a derby between Fenerbache and Galatasaray than the two heavyweights from Vic Uni.  The Stallion supporters were so annoyed at Rauru for restraining his pain, rather than showing his true hurt and potentially getting the Accies player booked, that he was given a Pony nomination.  Credit to Rauru though, that’s just not the sort of player that he is.

Stallions then got on the board relatively early from an in-swinging corner (against the wind) from Paddy.  The corner flew in, the keeper came for it and missed, and with the ball almost over the line which would have given Paddy only his second goal of the season, Heath thrusts his hips like Jagger and manages to thigh/testie/stomach/chest over the line.  1-0.

The second goal came a bit later into the half which started with good interchange down the right, before swinging the ball to the left to a galloping Gerald, who then swung it back to the right where Rauru found himself in space to have a hit.  The initial shot was parried by the keeper, the follow up shot blocked by a defender and with Heath screaming “LEAVE IT” Rauru decided to have a ping with his left and crashed the ball into the net just under the cross bar. 2-0.

Right on the stroke of half time the Stallions had an opportunity for a third as a ball was whipped in from the left to Rauru who was unmarked in the box.  Calls of “Time!!” where yelled out but Rauru thought that rather than control, look up, assess options, work out angles, wind direction, ball pressure, and goal keeper height and agility levels before picking any spot he liked, he’d actually dummy and let the ball go through his legs to Lloyd who was approaching.  Lloyd apparently hadn’t anticipated this stunning display of trickery (not for the first time in the half it might be said.  Gee, slow learner that Lloyd.  Lloyd may or may not have been as close as Rauru had thought) and wasn’t able to get on the ball with the chance going begging and the score remaining at 2-0.  Another Pony nomination for Rauru.

Half time came and went with the Stallions feeling good and not being under any real pressure.

The second half got under way and it wasn’t long before the Stallions had a big advantage.  A ball was punted out by goalkeeper Tim and with a bit of breeze behind it, it bounced over the last defender with Rauru running through on goal.  The Accies defender obviously had never seen Rauru in 1-on-1 situations before and decided that giving away a penalty was a safer option (foolish as Rauru’s strike rate from penalties is 100% over the last two years), so chopped him down in the box.  With Graham screaming from the other end of the park “RED CARD!!! IT HAS TO BE A RED CARD!!” (he’s been watching too much John Terry) the referee agreed and gave the Accies defender his marching orders and a bill for $50.  It was rumoured that the defender was last seen straightening up from a limp and walking towards Milky's house.

Rauru being in supremely confident mood (despite apparently many of his team mates not feeling the same way – bastards) forgot his pre-penalty routine and the keeper guessing the right way, got down well and made a good save.  2-0 it stayed but Accies down to 10.  A third Pony nomination racked up for Rauru.

The third goal wasn’t too far coming however and Rauru redeemed himself for the penalty miss as Bakky whipped in a great ball from the left, it found Rauru in the middle with some space due to the lack of extra defender who took it round (read: mis-controlled round) a defender and tucked it past the keeper with his right foot.  3-0 and game over as a contest.

But while the Accies would have been happy to pick up their toys and go home, the Stallions had a goal difference to make up and so kept applying the pressure.  With space opening up due to the extra player, the Stallions created again down the left and a high cross was put into the box.  Rauru sensed an opportunity for a hattrick and ran to get a head on it knowing that the keeper was coming but wasn’t going to fully get there.  Just as the ball was coming down however Rauru lost it in the sun.  Fortunately it managed to hit him on the head and lob over the oncoming keeper into the net (this author is told that it looked much more classy than that from the sideline!).  Left foot, right foot, head for the perfect hattrick and as it turns out possibly the first hattrick scorer to get Pony.  Bastards.  4-0 Stallions.

The Stallions still weren’t done however with Heath getting a second to make it 5-0 but by that stage no one remembers how it was scored.  Bakky claims he got the assist and since no one can be bothered arguing we awarded it to him.

While Rauru was awarded the Pink and the match report honours there were many notable contenders.

·         Aaron – Being warned by the ref for his wild kicks (“Is that with or without the ball, ref?” – a fantastic ‘Heard on the Sidelines’).

·         Aaron – Getting lost pre-game and taking a $50 taxi.

·         Paddy – Slipping over in the mud when taking a corner.

·         Bakky – Screaming at all his teammates for not passing him the ball.

·         Bakky – Screaming at all his teammates for passing him the ball.

·         Bakky – Blaming his teammates for Bakky being off side.

·         Bakky – Just cause it would have been funny to piss him off more than he was already pissed off.

·         Bakky – Referring to himself in the third person on the blog and in emails.

·         Lloyd – Apparently not being telepathic.

·         Graham – Having the nerve to call himself a striker for 5 minutes and even get a shot away that almost went in.  It obviously went to his head as he asked, nay, demanded that he be put into left mid towards the end of the game when Gerald came off.

·         Graham – Screaming at the ref to award a red card.

·         The ref – Saying that the final score was 6-0 cause he thought the penalty had gone in (he obviously knew Rauru’s reputation and was already back at halfway)

Stallion went to Chris who not only put his hand up to sit out the game, but still showed up with his family to watch the game and support the boys, before coming back to the clubrooms afterwards with the family for a beer as well.  True Stallion.

Big shout out to Tom and Dan who also came along to support the boys in our quest for back-to-back promotions.

A great win with lots of shits and giggles along the way.  2 more to go!  WE DON’T SLIP!  WE GO AGAIN!!

Stallions vs BNU Match Report, aka, A Good Win But We Should Have Won By 6

With second spot, and a potential late run to 1st spot on the line, the changing room was tense. For those 8 players that happened to be there at least 15 minutes from the game.

Watching the young fellas in red  from the comfort of the clubrooms was somewhat encouraging though, running around in the rain as they were, doing shuttles: someone commented "they've only got 13!"  Suddenly we were playing for the win, a draw was not good enough.

With Heath managing to arrive before the game, we got out there with a couple of minutes to spare, kicked the ball around a few times and in true Stallions fashion were good to go.

And with the mood and focus of the team, the result was inevitable from before kickoff.  Bakky got us underway, strategically losing the toss and sending us into the wind.  Lesson learnt from the last time we played these guys.  We felt a bit sorry for the young fellas, undefeated as they were, so spent the first 20 or so trying to encourage them by repeatedly offering them the ball and asking them to attack.  It was all a bit boring really, so on our first foray into their half we sliced through their midfield and someone (Paddy?) popped the ball over the defenders for Jimmy to cleverly take the ball from right under the keeper's nose and over his head all without breaking his hamstring or a sweat. 

We then, again sportingly, conceded their half but they could not put much on target.  An all round solid defence for the last ten of the half and we went to the break with our lead intact.

The second half saw a much more even contest.  With the wind we put some good passing together, won a few corners, and Patrick showed some devastating pace down the right.  With a more open game, both keepers were tested, and Tim made some outstanding saves to keep us in the game.  We had the better chances though, with Carrick, Gus, and Gerald giving their keeper one-on-one practice.  Carrick managed to put a shot on an empty goal but the ball didn't make the 20 yards.  Admittedly, he was on the ground after a red card offence from their keeper.

A few minutes later and we had the 2-0 lead.  After some "encouragement" from his midfield partner to get back and defend a goal kick, Gus positioned himself perfectly and headed the ball down track one for Carrick to run onto and beat the keeper and score.

This prompted Patrick to taunt the opposition and supporters running down the sideline yelling "we should've won by 6!"  [Ed: at least, that's as I heard it told.]

That took the steam out of the game and we saw the final few minutes out with some more solid defending.

It was a day of all round heroics, great team defence, an exceptional back four, a midfield that ran all day, and strikers causing havoc at every opportunity.  Stallion though to Tim, with some great shot-stoppers and one-on-one saves.  Pony was a split-decision, shared between Rauru for missing both Brooklyn games and Tharron, for "losing" a sock that was already being worn.  [Ed: just a sign of how focused I was on the Big Game.]

Petone 8 - 1 thrashing

Better late than never….

With the promotion this season to division 5 the Stallions have taken perverse pleasure in the contrasting rituals between ourselves and other teams in the grade.

The strangest ritual witnessed by the Stallions, as we arrive at the ground 10-15 minutes before kick-off, is seeing opposition teams running around the field, kicking balls to each other, running drills, etc. Often these activities start more than 30 minutes before kick-off. This season the Stallions’ version of warming up is putting on our strip - even the taking of corner kicks and shooting at the keeper is seen as unnecessary fluff that is a distraction to winning football games.

However against Petone this relaxed approach went a step too far. With only 10 players present just minutes before kick-off Rauru was starting to sweat. He hadn’t miscalculated had he and there were actually more people away then he thought? A few quick phone calls and we were assured that the 3 missing players would be arriving at some point during the game – just not in time for kick-off.

Gus was on the bench so he thought there wasn’t much point turning up before half time; Chris was still learning that, being a family man, if you want to turn up on time you plan to leave at least 30 minutes earlier because something always comes up; and Heath, who said he was just pulling into the car park. A quick look at the car park did not support that statement – we were a bit concerned as Heath has been known this year to turn up to random football fields thinking that was where we are playing.

So knowing that more people would show up, hopefully before the final whistle, we confidently kicked off with 10 men. After the exciting pre-game antics the rest of the match pretty much went off without a hitch. When in possession our distribution and movement was very good – switching the play, quick passes and making Petone work for it. On defence, once Heath arrived 5 minutes or so after kick off, we pressured Petone and although they were willing to play the ball out through the back and avoid route 1 football they didn’t do much with it.

There were so many goals it’s hard to remember what happened. The first two from Rauru and Bakky were headers which is strange considering Petone’s centre backs were tall timber. Bakky’s goal in particular, a crouching waist high header from a corner (cross?), showed that although the defenders may have been tall their positional awareness was woeful.

And so it continued, Stallions cruising along scoring goals at regular intervals until it was 5 – 0 at half time. This game was aiming for a Stallion all-time high score. Unfortunately the second half was a much dourer affair. Gone was the movement and support for the ball carrier, people became tired and Petone started to come into the game. Despite this the Stallions still put 3 more goals away and missed several more scoring opportunities.

The clean sheet was ruined however when the Pony gave away a penalty for handball in the box. This occurred when, on a rare Petone break, the ball was driven into the box from the right wing. Coming forward to chest it away the ball came on quicker than expected and hit both upper arm and chest (that’s my story anyway and I’m sticking to it).

Final score 8 – 1. Other notable news – Lloyd’s family will never attend another of his football matches after the promised drink and hot chips didn’t eventuate with the clubrooms being closed.