Beacuse there is no football match report, here's a touch one

With the spring season over, and over £200 of fines later, the Stallions latest match report is complete, courtesy of Mr Tim O'Leary. Enjoy...

For those of you that weren’t there on Thursday night, a battle took place of Herculean proportions. It was the final game of the Spring season, and the London Stallions were in a battle for the coveted 5th position out of 8.

It only took two minutes for a pony contender to rear its head with Josh “yeah he’s mine” Hook casually allowing his opposite to waltz past him after screaming to all and sundry “you take wide!” and “I got him! I got him!” .... First blood Vaseline Alley and easily the worst display of defending since the infamous “Team sub” incident in week 3. It seemed RJ (Raro Josh for those who don't know) was destined to be the first to wear the pink head band for summer season.

What happened in the next 10 minutes is somewhat of a blur to me... Long story short, it involved finest display of seagulling since Sean Fitzpatrick circa 1991. The image of Joshua Winston Hook galloping down the right hand flank is one I now have seared into my brain... Why you may ask? I had pleasure of seeing it not once, not twice, but three times... First hatrick of the season and dispelling all notion of the pony award.

Shout out also to Bubs for the mean as length of the field try after a dirty wrestling match with to opposition over who’s ball it was... Watching that man in full gallop is awe inspiring to say the least... I heard a couple ladies who were watching had to go to hospital after fainting... All that blood rushing to their nether regions.

Honourable mention goes out to Fanny probably had the run of the day which involved a couple of mean steps and a “Cullen-esque “ glide past several opposition players only to do the worst Touch and Pass in history... The ref blinded by either the sheer brilliance of Fanny’s effort, or from his pasty skin declined the opposition cries for an obvious penalty and decided to allow Dano, who received said offending pass, to play the ball for Fanny, where Fanny got touched... It was almost like playing cricket back at school. You get to 50 and have to retire... “Fanny you’ve blown past 4 defenders you have to give the ball to someone else.

A couple of cheeky and opportunistic tries from the opposition and game on.

Dano and Beaver were involved a perfect opportunity for one of them to break their try scoring ducks... Two on one right on the line, what transpired was some sort or crabbing (Rauru's note: Aaron, you would have been impressed), drawing, passing, dropping episode that I can’t really explain better than that – If anyone can assist please enlighten me.

Fanny, also on a duck, had ample opportunity to break his... Standing over the tryline with ball in hand, the time it took to get the ball from head height (7’1” is it Fanny?) to ground resulted in a touch in goal. (Blame it on gravity only being 9.8 metres / second bro)

Generally good game all round... The ref only had to tell everyone to “stop talking otherwise he’d send someone off” once, and it wasn’t directed at any individual. Dan W had what I believe to be his first ever “Kobe” free game... Nathan must have played well ‘cos after the game he almost had a mini spew (nothing to do with arriving back from Majorca 2 hours before kickoff?)... Shout out to “el Capitano” Rauru “Mugabe” Walker for denying Josh a fourth after drawing in the opposition winger he then decides to take the touch, average at best, and yes it was fine worthy.

So Stallions win final 4 – 3, Stallion – Josh, Pony – Fanny.