Heard on the sidelines #4218

Someone as we are 3-nil up against KCU at half time: 'Hodges couldn't even make THAT team'

Slipped one past the keeper

Like Hodges at his best, he managed to slip this comment past us without much fuss or anyone noticing...much like his goals really. It was one of the comments that came from the July 17th post and I was only allerted to it from a Facebook comment that he posted on my page in response to our promotion announcement.

"If i was to be positive i'd say well done on your position going into the last round. If i was to be negative i'd say being second in the league having non wins outweigh wins is a f*cken joke.

Yes inexplicable that you guys should be doing so well without me. All i can think of is that without me the opposition have been more relaxed - too relaxed and have not realised that whilst i was an outstanding talent the rest of the stallions were potentially Division sixers.

Good luck for the weekend i predict a dramatic 3-2 loss after leading 2 nil at half time.

Our season started later than yours so i'll be playing not watching this weekend. Plenty of space on the sidelines of Weka Park for anyone to come up in the next few weeks and watch..."

When you say there's plenty of space on the sidelines, you dont happen to mean your left hand sideline do you? There always seemed to be quite a bit of space at Nairnville too... ;)

A Beautiful Mission - Bringing the world's game to the Coast

Natives kick an inflated takahe stomach around Weka Park


Well,

Difficult to know where to begin.

After 7 seasons doing what i do moderately for the stallions i am now sharing my gifts with the Kapiti Coast United 3rds (just doesn't have the same ring as the Stallions does it?).

OK Initial observations.

Sand glorious sand. Our home ground Weka Park is an absolute peach laid on the sandy soil of the coast its flatter than one of Patrick's crosses, yet has nice lush green grass, and the weather has been brilliant negligible wind and picture perfect weather.

The clubrooms next to the ground(!) are well frequented, stocked with pies and homemade goodies, beer on tap and a great family atmosphere ----


so far all is more than satisfactory.

I don't mention the quality of the football merely because its not really about the football anymore, is it? I mean honest ...its about community, fun and fresh air.


mmmm lets just say that in this league you have more time on the ball yet less options.

Highlight so far taking to the field against the Levin Masters who had an average age of (without exageration) 17. Clearly life is cheap on the Coast.

I said to the lads, i said, "not so much Masters as Prefects!" heck we all laughed.

There is a young chap in our team which makes recovering Nick White look like Mal Meninga.

There is a guy in our team who makes Mal Meninga look like Nick White.

I have scored 1 goal from 2 games in the outfield (yes from my head which when you think about the human body holistically is just an extension of my toe (as in toehacks).

No one could quite work out how i had headered the ball into the goal from such an acute angle.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Hey it's a kind of magic"

A Chip off the old block

Ben H's partner on facebook:

'For his first game of football Louis received Best Player of the Day certificate - 4 goals today!!! Not bad for his first time on the pitch...he was wearing his French football gears!!!!'

Cheers Annabel, that made my day.

Whats worse - a Hodges who can score goals or a Hodges in a French strip?

Is this dude talking about Ballack or Hodges?

Essentially he is an old utility midfielder, a player who can be trusted to make the right pass but who can no longer run for ninety minutes, a player with an ego that demands stroking but increasingly, doesn’t deserve it.

Comings & Goings 1 - Ben H

This season we say goodbye to a few Stallions. Oddly they are 'personalities' of the team, who feature often in the blog (normally in the 'lets take the piss' kind of way). So in tribute of our fallen homies, lets start by taking out the trash.

Ben H - In many ways the heart and forehead of the Stallions. A fixture in the centre of the midfield for seasons, known for his never give up attitude, crap knock in goals, tripping over his own feet, cries of anguish, and, most importantly, bringing along Steve so the rest of us don't have to ref.

What can be said about Ben that has not been said here before; but here are a few highlights from the past:
Hodges Appreciation week, 2009
My Favourite Hodges Moment, 2008
Player Profile 2008
A Little Man, A Big Goal, 2009

For those of you who don't know, Ben is following the path of many over the hill, once great players by leaving the big leagues and retiring to play for a sea-side team. I'm sure the Raumati team will umm value you as much as we will Ben, good luck to you. All jokes and hassles aside, you will be missed big time. In classic Ben style, he is the first Stallion to retire holding the 'pony of the season' award (and hell yeah, you better return her to us!)

I'm sure you won't be lost to the team, so perhaps you should become a foreign correspondent type and give us weekly roundups of your adventures for another (clearly much worse) team. Keep in touch.

Caption Contest 3 - A double header!

How Monet saw the goal

Here

Using Te Papa's 'Make a Monet' application, we can recreate how an old Frenchy impressionisty chap would have painted Ben's great goal

A Little Man, A Big Goal - the set up

What better way to fire up the team preseason that photographs of great games past. Thanks Jamie for the photos - great work, and there are some doozies to be released over the next little while, so keep checking in. Great chance for some take the piss caption competition me thinks.

But first, lets sit back and admire. Ben H gets a little bit of abuse on this blog, but how can you argue with the following photographs (split over several parts).

A Litle Man, a Big Goal - The Goal

A Little Man, A Big Goal - the celebration

Player Assessment - Ben H

After the dizzy heights of 2007 where the holy trinity of leading MVP point getter, top goal scorer, and Stallion of the Year were secured, Hodges was always likely to struggle to live up to expectations in 2008. Despite this, he turned in another typically whole hearted season, befitting his status as (I believe) the longest serving Stallion.

Ben started the season upfront before being relegated to the midfield by the emerging telepathic partnership of Tristin and Gus. In the middle of the park he formed a mildly promisisng "little and large" partnership with Paddy, which unfortunately promised more than it delivered - at least in terms of goals, with Paddy failing to net, and Hodges scoring 3. One was particulary memorable however when Ben cut in from the left and using his bad (having seen his left foot his right foot has to be truly awful to be called bad) right foot stuck the ball in the corner of the net from the top of the area. A great goal, somewhat ruined by Ben's insistence of talking about it ever since.

Low point of Ben's season was undoubtedly the pathetic attempt to win a penalty against the Sealords when he collapsed to the ground claiming a ruptured spleen from a knee to the back, despite there being no other player within 5 yards of him. As Paddy knows only too well a dive has to be pretty bad for even your own team mates to laugh at you...

Overall another solid season from Ben. He played in every position except 'keeper or fullback and only really looked uncomfortable at centre back (which may well have had something to do with the conditions at Grenada North). Only one game missed due to a wedding, he once again supplied Steve as a ref which after Jason's 1 minute cameo against Petone can never be undervalued. Overall rating 7 (without supplying Steve it would have been 6.5).

Backheel madness

Hmm, somehow this blog is slowly turning into a fetish site. Oh well, could be worse ...

There are certain players you never want to see attempt a backheel in atrocious conditions with mud up to the top of your boots (lets face it - 99.9% of anybody who has pulled on a Stallions shirt) but yesterday's win was marred by 2 terrible and heavily fined back heel attempts. Graham's was especially craptacular since he was the last line of defence and was back heeling to umm no-one. Ben's was just one in a number of indiscretions which seemed to be part of a personal vendetta against God for forcing us to play in shocking conditions - a 'I'll show you with my beautiful one touch play, punk' attitude that umm didn't really come off.

My favourite Hodges moment...

Not getting the playstaion for Christmas was hard on young Ronnie.

Twas the season of 2006. Uni Stallions playing some unlucky team, with Ben Hodges' dad in charge with the whistle in hand.

Ben made a driving run into the box before being brought down, ball and all in a clinical tackle by one of their defenders. Ben manages to pick himself up off the ground, look at his dad with eyes that screamed 'hug me!' and cried "OH DAD!!"

Touching stuff.

Hodges Appreciation Week

Poor Ben H is getting a bit of rough treatment at the moment, in both the fine sessions and on this blog. And lets face it, while some of this grief may be earned - he has not exactly performed to his very high standards so far this season (Ben B - thats a much better way of saying it than - he's having a f**ken shocker!'), but he is very valuable to this team. So I propose a Hodges appreciation week - lets show the big man some love - and post about our favourite Hodges moments and stories. Lets try to get at least 1 a day for the week. Perhaps it will spur on a brilliant game next week.

Umm, can someone else please go first - I got some thinking to do ...

Picture: Aaron and Ben comment on the general poor state of conditioning and bicycle-kicking ability amongst the younger Stallions.

Player Profile - Ben H

Position
Striker/midfield

Stallion Hall of Fame:
2007 Golden Boot
2007 Stallion of the Year
Consistently most-fined
Most unlikely to make it to the clubrooms

How many seasons as a Stallion?
2008 is my 6th season I have missed about 4 games in 6 seasons and if memory serves I have not missed a game in 2 seasons. The consummate stallion. The Ryan Giggs of the Stallions (only a bit nippier and more skillfull).

Are you a dual Stallion? If so what game are you best at?
I'm a mule stallion.

Greatest Stallion Moment:
Without question the fisty cuffs against Wgtn United. That and seeing Rauru leave for 2 seasons.

Worst Stallion Moment?
The first game of 2008 season. Excitement turning to despair seeing Jamie collapse in a heap before kick off and then having all the enthusiasm for the coming season seep out of me as the rain bucketed down on everyone while we waited for 15 minutes to clear Jamie off the field. And then playing a game where no one could control the ball because the ground was too hard and too wet. The biggest anticlimax to a season opener.

Favourite Stallion Captain?
Come on! All the captain does is choose heads or tails that's the extent of their powers. Some say the Stallions team is a true democracy. I say we are just a team of wankers who won't listen to anyone but themselves and who let their boots (and the opposition players who keep stealing the ball off them) do the talking.

Describe your last goal for the Stallions.
My raking header against Tawa (see earlier post) Ask me the same question in a year and the answer may be the same.

Complete the sentence - As a player I am susceptible to ...
Losing sight of the ball under my feet and doing a sort of an Irish jig
to try and get it in to view (more often than not resulting in my falling over). Well timed breaks down the wing, in order to release toe-hacked slicing crosses, season long periods of pathetic shot taking and poor decision making sprinkled with occasional and mystifyingly brilliant shots, cut through passes, and, Ben Thatcher like tackles. In short the Michael Campbell of the Stallions.

Most underrated Stallion
No one rates anyone.

Finish this sentence. The Stallions need more?
People that can play football.

Which international player are you most like?
Frank Sinclair.

Where will the Stallions finish in 2008?
Washed up on Dead Last Beach.

How to accrue fines and lose any shred of self-dignity in 1 easy step (a cautionary tale)

'Just got your text message Nick G. The only balls I know the whereabouts of are wedged in to my underpants.'

Record blog hits yesterday and today already - yet so few comments! Come on Stallions get interactive - surely there is enough in Corey's and Nick's roundups of the weekend to get angry at, laugh at, ridicule. Oh you are all so busy - busy enough to spend an average of 2.48 minutes looking at the thing! Use that last .12 secs to add something. No point having the contributors talking to themselves - otherwise this will die a slow death.

I offer Ben H's comment as a model example of the insightful, sharp comments that the Stallions should be proud to share with each other, and anyone else who cares (bonjour to our first international visitor - from Nice, how they got to the site I have no idea).

The long promised first fines below.

An (Epic) History, By B Hodges

In September 2001 the world changed. 2 planes crashed in to the World Trade Centre, killing 3000 people, a global war on terror ensued.

Commentators point to the U.S.'s foreign policy and the increasing divide between the have and the have-nots as precursors to the events of September 11th.

However, had not a bunch of Weir House residents and wardens decided to form the Uni Stallions some 6 months later the world may now have been at peace.

Why these lads, with an obscene lack of football skills, should have chosen to form a football team is uncertain.

What is known, is that in 2001 the prophet Faq-i-Needa Bair had a vision the Stallions were coming, and that the awful displays of the Stallions in their first season would shake the football world to its knees - the Stallions had to be stopped.

In September 2001 Bair dispatched the Afghani-Pakistan Border Region Sunday Pub League death squad to New Zealand via hijacked planes in New York for a preemptive strike on Weir House the whore building of Stallions spawn . Bair's and the world's hope of Stallions annihilation was denied by the twin towers... I case of hitting the posts and out one might say.

And so it came to pass in 2002 18 losses from 18 games. The beautiful game desecrated.

Packed with cricket and rugby players, the Stallions abysmal run continued in the 2003 season. But hope- a draw or two, a win as well.

2004: upper lower table

As a few footballers joined campaigns improved

2005 Lower mid table

2006 Upper mid table and recognition - V.U.W.F.C. Team of the Year

Stallions' football has developed its own lexicon and culture; doing a "Rauru Albatross", a "Julesirelli Twinkle", a "Hodges Toe-Hack", or simply a "Ben Brooks", just some of the expressions attempting to capture the almost unspeakable horrors of Stallions play.

As testament to the abject horror of the Stallions squad, a weekly prize of a pink headband or "the Pony" award (to be worn by the winner at the next game) is awarded based on the most despicable, pathetic, convoluted, or ridiculous performance/ pre-match utterance/event.

Fear and loathing has resulted in the Pony's securing a corner of the Club Rooms each Saturday for their own, the corner is known simply as"the Stables" or the "Knackers Yard"

The Stallions now have a cell in at least one other country, and across two sporting codes (Football and Cricket). Proliferation of other Stallions codes is expected with current Stallion players in either code having first right of refusal to join the team.

Stallions Highlights:
In 2004 an Olympic player waving his testicles at the team and offering them for breakfast- for the record the invitation was politely declined.
2007 Ben Hodges managing to start( but not take part in) a fight in a match he was just wandering past (Marist Inter v Uni Raiders)