Match Report: Brooklyn 2 - Stallions 0

The weather gods certainly weren’t smiling as the top of the table clash between the Stallions and BNU Reserves kicked off at 2.30pm.  Torrential rain may have eased but hurricane force winds were still blowing directly down Happy Valley 1 towards Owhiro Bay and there were areas of standing water in the centre of the pitch.

The Stallions pre-match talk had focussed on not playing long ball tactics with the wind, which went (were blown) out the window directly from kick-off when a shot was attempted which caught the BNU keeper off guard but sailed narrowly wide.  That set the pattern for the half with the Stallions kicking away most of the ball we managed to win while BNU played an attractive passing game using their skilful and mobile midfielders to good effect.

Our attacking chances were limited by and large to set pieces which struggled for direction due to the wind, while BNU made several decent attacking forays.  The highlight of these was when BNU’s 10 year old left winger nutmegged Paddy in the box and went on to smash a shot against the cross bar with the Stallions left helpless.  Highlight of the half for the Stallions was Tangi’s tireless defensive efforts which culminated in a heroic sliding tackle on our own left fullback when Tangi grew frustrated with Chris’ delay in clearing the ball.

Half-time 0-0.

The Stallions made a tactical tweak at half-time to go to one up front allowing us to three in the middle of the park to counter BNU’s main strength.  This proved reasonably successful with the Stallions playing some decent passing football although not making any clear cut chances, and still being vulnerable to being caught on the beak.

BNU had some semi-decent shots from distance but these were either wide or reasonably straight forward for Paul in goal.  The decisive break through came about 20 minutes from time when a BNU corner was headed down and one of their players was quickest to the loose ball to turn it into the net. 1-0 BNU. 

The Stallions re-gathered and picked up the intensity but still struggled to literally make headway into the wind.  We committed large numbers forward in search of an equaliser but unfortunately five minutes from time were caught on the break and a (suspiciously off-side looking) BNU player ran through un-marked to make it 2-0.

That was the final score, which resulted in BNU leap frogging the Stallions to go top of the table.  Disappointing for the Stallions 5 game winning start to the season to come to an end but on balance the better side won.  The Stallions put everything into the game but BNU were more comfortable on the ball and created more chances.  Stallion – Tangi for an all-round determined and disciplined defensive effort.  Pony – Paddy for the clinical nutmeg from the child left-winger minutes after having his own nutmeg effort thwarted.

Stallions 5 - 2 Olympic

The Olympic manager just couldn't work out why his players were so s**t

Another great win in a game that had something for everyone.

Always keen to gain that initial mental edge, the Stallions held back until the last few minutes before emerging from the sheds. Shocked that the Stallions had not joined them for their 45 mins of warm-up drills and seeing Rauru's pre-match speed in filling out the team card on the pitch, Olympic suffered an early psychological blow that they would not come back from.

Gus started the ball rolling (although shouts of own goal were ringing out from some quarters). A powerful strike and the "slightest of deflections" gave the keeper no hope and it was 1-0 with barely any time on the clock. With Olympic still waking up, the Stallions dominated across the park getting to the ball first and cutting out any threat of attack. After another early break, Rauru laid on a delightful square ball for Tom to put another away once again taking full advantage of the Olympic back line to secure a deflection and send the keeper the wrong way. (Eds note: Tom was first, Gus second)

When Olympic did make it into the Stallion's final third the resurgent Stallion back line was up to the task. Tangihaere dominated, Paul "get out of my house" Kilford snuffed out anything loose in the box and Graham used all his height to kneel and chest one off the line (Eds note: I believe Graham got Stallion for "putting his balls on the line"). Aaron also demonstrated his attacking flair with a piercing run into the box to collect and smash home another to make it 3-0. (Eds note: Panda, if you're reading this, you would have been proud of the celebration)

Lloyd was not to be forgotten and soon after drove into the box. However, poised to shoot, through came Olympic to shoulder charge him off the park and then head back to collect the ball. The ref only had one option much to the surprise of the Olympic supporters ("what was that for?!") and Rauru calmly slotted the subsequent penalty into what has fondly become known as Walker's corner). (Eds note: Top left in case any future opposition goalkeepers are reading this)

At 4-0 up we were guilty perhaps of easing off, but it still took some climbing up Lloyds back off a corner to beat him to a header before Olympic drew their first blood. Of for half-time at 4-1 the gaffer rang the changes. The fresh legs were timely as Olympic upped the tempo, but the Stallions were up to the task and watching the clock closely Carrick made a perfectly timed run collecting a ball I sent over and shooting back across the face of goal to make it 5-1.

At 5-1 Olympic were dead and buried and started to lose all sense of reality. One poor soul reached out to Rauru for clarification regarding how we could smash them and be top of the table. Rauru thought about answering, but Olympic had suffered enough. (Eds note: Was this before or after you taunted them with "Has mum fed you?!"? Best sledge ever, even if I don't really understand it). As the game wound down we handed Olympic a consolation second goal. By that stage all minds had already turned to the post-match beer.

Well done lads, great win, great weather, great supporters and a nice after-match. Eds note: Gerald hasn't really said why he got Pony and had to write this report, and truth be told, no one really knows, but it had something to do with leaving balls to let the opposition get throw ins, trying to dodge goal kicks but instead heading it into row z, as well as a couple of air balls. The more you think about it, the more Gerald seems like 'Player X'...

Match Report vs Marist 5-3: Turned and Scored (and a great prediction)

A fine day welcomed Uni Stallions (pony in tow) to West Wellington. With 96.5% of the stallions arriving with plenty of time until kickoff it took some effort to ignore the huffing and puffing coming from the opposition. I delayed my run and arrived at 12.29, along with the ref, who zipped through his warm ups and it wasn’t long before a beatnik bumblebee ambled onto the park, and to many standing by, casually blew his whistle. Not long after I ignored the keepers call of “Keepers ball!” and headed it back to his open play position (6 yard box ready to intercept any stray long balls). With  a frown that only the hairless can give, our own Fabian Bartez was left standing arms open, mouth agape shooting daggers to the late starter gus, as the ball trickled into the net. Going ahead with high fives all round and even a few hugs, Marist had shown up with concentrated confidence.

The early leaders were knackered from kick off, having warmed up in manner befitting the blustery heights of Capital Five – high vis (aka “Why me?” - Mario Detector Vests), shuttles, a triangles and diamonds drill with lots of clapping -  and thus were battered into submission. Even with a tired lineup (3 games in 7 days for this old frame), the engine up the middle poured litres and litres of sweat on an already moist yet thankfully mown, Wilted park. While the GPS tracker is still on order (with the new shirts), basic trigonometry had to be used to establish the incredible mileage Lloyd ran, which came out at a majestic 7.2 miles - squeakingly close to the record set by, and let me check my records… one Lloyd Davies at Wakefield Park in 2013.

Immense pressure and pinpoint accuracy mid way through the first half secured the point after a goal mouth scramble. There he was again, a second goal in as many years -Lloyd Davies! And the points were even. Was the Gaffer happy to take the point, gleaned from the draw this early? Most certainly not,  and, “Our man who needed an assist for fantasy points” fouled Rauru, who then took the stage, thankfully without breaking a leg, in the box, and took the win, slotting calmly (not over the bar and) to the left. During the half time break it was decided the best option was to lump it up the field, but Heath tactfully talked the mob around with a rousing speech about not running away from each other at great speed. This inspired some equine energy in Gerald whose crosshot from the left hand side flummoxed a confused and slow keeper.  Heath with the assist.

Later in the half, some excellent build up work resulted in 2 pony contender one on ones with keeper, including blazing one over the bar (I think we are still looking for that one) and another where Rauru tried to round  the slowest keeper in the league, but his first touch took him too far to the left then had shot saved off the line?

It wasn’t long before our East Coast Bullet (not to be confused with the East Coast Yeti [Aaron], or the East Coast Ranga [Logan]) was put through on goal by possibly Carrick (he can’t remember) and Rauru had scored again. He put it low past the keeper from a right-hand angle.

A comprehensive victory – I predict another win next Saturday against Olympic 5-2!

(Thanks to Rauru for reminding this old geezer who scored, assisted and missed a bit, as without my glasses I struggle to see far enough to see who scores – unless it’s a spritely turn followed by a power shot near post to beat the keeper – then I know it must be Carrick).

Has Your Mum Fed You?

Well Olympic, has she?

Another good win, 5 from 5 in Div 5.

For the record (and to get things right for the update - I need some assist help), and to help G's match report:

Goals:
Tom, assist - Rauru?
Logan, assist?
Aaron, assist Olympic incompetence
Rauru, assist Lloyd
Carrick, assist?

Stallion: Graham's seeking of extra penetration on the field
Pony: Gerald for a litany of apparently pony-worthy stuff, I just can't recall.

Looks like the season is about to get real now though, other results suggest some of the teams we are yet to play have woken up: Upper Hutt 6-1 over Marist, Karori putting 9 past Naenae, and the Accies 7-zip over Eastbourne.

Was just going to write in a bog parody "GO HARD" sign off, but I suspect it might read seriously.

Stallions 7 - 1 Petone Chicago

Nuff said

In all fairness this report should be written by a certain Mr Pringle but since we don't let ring-ins write match reports, I'll do the honors after a couple of bad misses against Marist.

Not too much to say other than Smashed 'em Bro.  The final score line was probably flattering on Petone as we could have been 5-1 up easily at half time, and at least 10-1 up at full time.  There were honestly that many chances that went begging.

After a week and a half my memory is hazy on the goals and assists and the order they came in but this is how I remember it.

1-0 - It started well with Carrick getting on the end of a through ball before getting brought down in the box, with the ref having no problem in awarding our first penalty in over a year.  I stepped up and put it away.

2-0 - A short corner from Paddy to Carrick, the defence backed off so Carrick decided to smash it straight at the head of the guy standing on the near post who happily ducked out of the way.

Lots of misses.  I missed one when a cross got whipped in from the right.  Came to my left on which I hit first time from 8 yards but pushed it wide.  Anything on target would have been a goal.  Lloyd was also denied once (twice?) as his shot from inside the box was just deflected wide.  Another year of goalless frustration from Lloyd?

3-0 - Carrick with another one but can't really remember how it happened.  Came down the right hand side this time I think.

3-1 - Dan does his best Stevie G impersonation.  No, not the blazing long ball to the full backs who are rushing forward on the overlap, the other Stevie G impersonation.  The one that no Liverpool fan will ever talk about but will also never forget.  With our defenders trying to play total football this sort of thing is gonna happen from time to time I guess and it happened again here.  The D was trying to switch the play, ball gets passed to Dan, he takes a touch and lets it roll past him and an attacker nips it and beats Paul with the 1-1.

Half time oranges.  Paul comes off saying he's feeling sick.  I'd feel sick after giving up a clean sheet like that too ;).  Graham into goal.

4-1 - A 'lost cause' is fought hard from Gus who with the ball looking like it's going out for a goal kick manages to put in an up-and-under.  Keeper and someone challenge for the ball, keeper spills, defender mis-hits a clearance which floats to the edge of the 18 yard where Bakkie comes flying in a strikes it on the (half?) volley into the back of the net.  Great strike and contender for goal of the season (even if the net was completely empty)

5-1 - Through ball put in, I get on the end of it, have a shot blocked by the keeper near the middle of the goal, ball rolls out to the corner of the 18 yard, I turn and put in a pi$$ weak shot that dribbles towards the goal, which the retreating keeper goes to collect and somehow manages to walk over the top of it.  Contender for worst goal of the season.

6-1 - Throw from near half way, their defender doesn't clear, I pick it up and take off.  From somewhere I hear Paddy yell "LLOYD!!" and look up to see Lloyd to my left steaming down the middle of the park like he had been all day.  Keeper comes out, I tap in into the path of Lloyd who can't do anything other than put in into the empty net.  Duck is broken (actually, I think he got one in the first week so ignore all my "Lloyd can't score" jibes.  No doubt Lloyd recounts the stories of his goals to his daughters every night before they go to bed to remind them who the goal scorer of the house it).

7-1 - Dying stages of the game, ball is cleared to me around half way, I turn and chip it over their CB, Carrick runs on to it and makes no mistake.  Game, set, match.

In amongst all this there's lots of moaning going on from Petone who aren't happy there are rolling subs, even though ref said to us at beginning of the game there was.  Didn't exactly make a difference as we spanked them.  Great start to the season.  Lots of goals at both ends which makes us more and more like Liverpool by the day.

Now I don't want to preempt the match report, but ...

I couldn't resist sending a 'f**k you losers, Stallions crushed you' message  to a guy I know in Marist Skins. Here's his response (sounds like he was an 'influential figure'):

'I wouldn't say crushed, A victory was had for sure, yet, we had total dominance in the second half and the ref was making some horrible calls against us, so, I wouldn't say crushed.

Your team is good though, number 4 played well, and, I "fouled" No 9 the captain for the penalty, yet, when I say "fouled", I mean I got the ball and nicked it back to the keeper on the slide and then the ref gave a pen. I put in the cross for the calamity O.G that was scored, was a good game!

You guys look a good team though, and played well, shame you weren't playing, could of kicked you, lol!'

And when I told him the message was going to the blog he added:

'Yeah, Definitely do so. Also, can you add that your Captain even admitted it was a foul, but didn't chip the Pen over the bar like a real sporting hero, it instead struck a superb finish down to the keepers bottom right, was a great pen!'

All I can say is that my mortal enemy Heath better not have been number 4. That guy sucks.

Interesting Analysis, especially for Liverpool fans

Over on Nate Silver's blog here.

Great win last night BTW Stallions!

Match Report: Stallions 4 - 3 Naenae

The Pony post from our beloved Heath
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 My debut pony arrived in the first game of the year last season. As least this year I made it to the second week.

This week's game was located in the legal-high capital of NZ - Naenae. Playing conditions were marvellous apart from foot-long grass which made passing a challenge. The opposition looked young and fast but thankfully the dirty-old-men insults were just an Eastbourne tactic. Or perhaps it was the fact that Paddy, Lloyd, Carrick and Tim were missing. That’s almost 160 years of experience missing. Geezus.

 We started well, making the most of a low key warm-up to blitz the first 10 minutes. Some great play around the sides resulted in an extremely agile run down the left wing from Bakie. With no room to work with, he crossed the ball into the path of a retreating defender who, unable to clear the ball from the goalmouth, could only watch as Rauru completed the follow up. 1-0.

It didn’t take long for Naenae to respond. A powerful warning shot from 30 yards was followed by a thunderbolt from the same distance. The ball clipped the underside of the cross bar and Paul stood no chance. Lesson learned - perhaps we'll start defending from further out.

Naenae then went 2-1 up after breaking through the middle. Tangihaere decided he'd already saved enough goal chances and called on Paul to front up. Unfortuantely Paul was still 30m from the ball and was powerless to a lobbed shot. Lesson learned - we need more goals.

Tragedy then struck as Bakkie went down with an over-laden little toe. With only the bare 11, all eyes truned to Gus on the sideline, still in his no.1s after a big Friday night. Despite strict instructions from his missus not to take the field, Gus pulled on his boots and strutted out. I assumed Gus couldn't bear to watch his fellow Stallions battle away with 10 men. He later confessed that a vacant striking slot was too mouth-watering to turn down.

Stallions went to the break knowing they would benefit from downhill conditions in the second half. The call was made for Route 1 football. Back to basics.

The second half started well. I managed to fashion a shot on goal and while there was acres of room to slot it inside the RH post, I smashed it straight at the keeper. Such poor direction caught the keeper by surprise and he could only parry it into the left hand corner. I apologised for such an awful shot. The keeper apologised to me for a poor save. It was a strange exchange.

We then went ahead. A lovely ball from [?] put Rauru through on goal and he cooly slotted his 2nd. 3-2 Stallions.

Naenae then pressed and when a stray cross flew towards our goal, I rose to help it on its way over Paul's outstretched arms and beneath the bar. Pony locked-in. First own goal in 30 years of football.

At 3-3, we pressed up-field to win numerous corners and free-kicks. Then, we only moments left, the ball emerged from the Naenae goalmouth. I nicked the ball from the path of an advancing Azza (who had a certain shot on goal - and even had his shirt half-off in anticipation of a goal celebration) and passed to Tom who chipped to the keeper. Most of the Stallions turned away to ready themselves for the restart only to find the keeper had somehow forgotten to catch the ball (perhaps with his mind on the next play). This description doesn't really do the whole incident justice but the result was everyone feeling slightly embarrassed and the Stallions winning 4-3.

Great games from everyone around the park. Particularly a great debut from Tharron in the middle, Tangihaere at the back and Glen filling in on the right.

Close pony-worthy moments 1. Glen for admitting he went for a 15km run before the game. 2. Gus for his yellow card dissent (geez, if you're going to get one, make it worse than that).

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For those of you that missed it, Heath's OG looked a little like #8 in this. The fight that happened afterwards is also reminiscient of Aaron and Heath's fight which should really claim the assist for Tom's goal, rather than Heath's pass. #3 is kinda similar to Heath's goal as well: To be fair to Heath, he could have almost claimed Stallion as well with his goal which is pretty similar to a lot of these goals, in particular the one at 5:40. Should also be pointed out that Paul went from zero to hero. Nice work Paul! A big save at a big time of the game.