I think this is Gus's match report from the Sea Captains game

It's got a David Lynch feel - I'm sure it weaves together about 3 different games, has no idea with what actually happened, and perhaps at some point Logan stops to share peyote with his spirit animal. Its a bit weird, but here goes:

A more flattering view of everyone's favourite ginger pony

The Stallions started in their usual shemozzle fashion going two nil down all too quickly. Had I known the ridicule one faces when volunteering, out of the goodness of one’s heart to support the club, only to be awarded the grand shame of pony, I would have paid (more? Some?) attention to the game.

So, like many other of my pony reports, the details will be known only to those players with a passion for stats, tactics and how to play fantasy football. So who knows how the Pirate Sea Captain scored their first goal? Likely a breakaway after losing possession deep in the opposition half or perhaps a leprechaun trying to dribble out of left back -definitely not a chip the keeper scenario however.

The second goal was easily slotted from the penalty spot although I suspect Graham did get a palm to it. A scurvy for’ward was tripped near the sideline and incredibly defied gravity falling sideways into the penalty area (about 2-3 metres away) to claim a penalty kick.

Gradually climbing back into the game the boys in black (a big thanks to #Welmantechnologies) made forays into opposition territory stringing some nice passes together. Lloyd worked well through the middle and was supported excellently by both Dan and Gerald who both had a lot of puff in their sails. This led to Gerald's headed goal which is a contender for team goal of the year and more than enough to earn him the title of Stallion (are you going to put some options up on the blog Aaron?). It all starting from a throw-in from inside our own half followed by some excellent link work through the middle. Bakkie is said to have made the assist.

Next up a penalty was awarded to the Stallions after Lloyd was scythed down on a mazy run, and Bakkie calmly slotted home. More shouts of “aaargh, that be a penalty” were heard midway through the second half but this aging defender had earned himself a free hand ball in the box. This was achieved by befriending the referee before kick off by casually asking him to clarify the handball law and other “I-don’t-really-care-but-asking-your-opinion-gets-you-onside” questions.

Late in the second half a no look flying tackle resulted in an excellent save. Graham, woozy, bloodied but triumphant stood ready to take on the next karate challenge by an increasingly lippy centre forward. However his courageousness was overruled by some clear heads and he was escorted to the waiting flagons of thick, hoppy brown liquid on the sideline.

After a series of hard but fair tackles, Rauru was right in the action. Flying in from 20 metres away and taking out a deserving Pirate Sea Captain  who was rather upset by it all our captain stood his ground which encouraged  peace to break out again. However the sea dog must have been concussed too as he was took quite a shine to the East Coast pretty boy and offered him a modelling contract. This coincidentally may have been when Rauru earned his fashion police badge and placed yours truly on the worst dressed list for this season (apparently green and orange are the winter season’s no no).

A well fought out win that was never in doubt.  4-3 Stallions.

Match Report vs Marist 5-3: Turned and Scored (and a great prediction)

A fine day welcomed Uni Stallions (pony in tow) to West Wellington. With 96.5% of the stallions arriving with plenty of time until kickoff it took some effort to ignore the huffing and puffing coming from the opposition. I delayed my run and arrived at 12.29, along with the ref, who zipped through his warm ups and it wasn’t long before a beatnik bumblebee ambled onto the park, and to many standing by, casually blew his whistle. Not long after I ignored the keepers call of “Keepers ball!” and headed it back to his open play position (6 yard box ready to intercept any stray long balls). With  a frown that only the hairless can give, our own Fabian Bartez was left standing arms open, mouth agape shooting daggers to the late starter gus, as the ball trickled into the net. Going ahead with high fives all round and even a few hugs, Marist had shown up with concentrated confidence.

The early leaders were knackered from kick off, having warmed up in manner befitting the blustery heights of Capital Five – high vis (aka “Why me?” - Mario Detector Vests), shuttles, a triangles and diamonds drill with lots of clapping -  and thus were battered into submission. Even with a tired lineup (3 games in 7 days for this old frame), the engine up the middle poured litres and litres of sweat on an already moist yet thankfully mown, Wilted park. While the GPS tracker is still on order (with the new shirts), basic trigonometry had to be used to establish the incredible mileage Lloyd ran, which came out at a majestic 7.2 miles - squeakingly close to the record set by, and let me check my records… one Lloyd Davies at Wakefield Park in 2013.

Immense pressure and pinpoint accuracy mid way through the first half secured the point after a goal mouth scramble. There he was again, a second goal in as many years -Lloyd Davies! And the points were even. Was the Gaffer happy to take the point, gleaned from the draw this early? Most certainly not,  and, “Our man who needed an assist for fantasy points” fouled Rauru, who then took the stage, thankfully without breaking a leg, in the box, and took the win, slotting calmly (not over the bar and) to the left. During the half time break it was decided the best option was to lump it up the field, but Heath tactfully talked the mob around with a rousing speech about not running away from each other at great speed. This inspired some equine energy in Gerald whose crosshot from the left hand side flummoxed a confused and slow keeper.  Heath with the assist.

Later in the half, some excellent build up work resulted in 2 pony contender one on ones with keeper, including blazing one over the bar (I think we are still looking for that one) and another where Rauru tried to round  the slowest keeper in the league, but his first touch took him too far to the left then had shot saved off the line?

It wasn’t long before our East Coast Bullet (not to be confused with the East Coast Yeti [Aaron], or the East Coast Ranga [Logan]) was put through on goal by possibly Carrick (he can’t remember) and Rauru had scored again. He put it low past the keeper from a right-hand angle.

A comprehensive victory – I predict another win next Saturday against Olympic 5-2!

(Thanks to Rauru for reminding this old geezer who scored, assisted and missed a bit, as without my glasses I struggle to see far enough to see who scores – unless it’s a spritely turn followed by a power shot near post to beat the keeper – then I know it must be Carrick).

Return of the Red

This colour card was pulled twice in our games last season - once for an attack on Gus (he got the Pony award for it as it was disgraceful) and once when Gus did the attacking (he got the Pony award for it as it was disgraceful).  Speaking of which, since I probably won't be playing on Saturday, looks like Gus will wear the headband.

He's back.

Comings & Goings 2: Gus

Damn, it feels like only a few weeks back when I announced how we had managed to steal Gus from the Raiders. And then basked in the glory of my old school mate scoring with his first touch and getting a hat-trick on debut. No Stallion has made such an immediate impression on the team (Dan Vincent would put up an argument, but no way ...). Pushed Tristin for Golden boot in his first season, but then a bit of a disappointing last season due to ongoing injuries - including THAT decision to beat the Stokes Valley striker when playing left back. But still so many golden moments - a brilliant multiple cutback/beating Karori players followed by a blistering shot to top left in the last game of the season, getting pushed over by the insane Marist keeper, tackling Joe, etc etc. Damn, he will be missed. Even in a pretty average last season Gus was the one striker always pulling back to help out/play as another midfielder - lets see Rauru and Tristin pick that role up instead of standing around albatrossing or calling for balls to feet.

Sadly from a Stallions point of view Gus has yielded to the demands of adult life with a new full time job and baby Hux, which leaves less time for football, and less disposable income for fines. here's hoping for a few cameo appearances from the bench (hopefully against the Raiders!)

Good luck Logan, keep doing that physio - you are sure to be called on.

The last post mentioned how Ben H is retiring as 2009 Pony of the season, I guess since Gus was runner up in a closely fought battle last season and inherits the title, that makes him the second Stallion to leave a pony. The more I think about it, Jules may have started this tradition ...

Player Profile - he of the most bullshit goals ...

Logan

Position:
Slightly to the right of Genghis Kahn

Stallion Hall of Fame?
Aiming for most ponies and stallions for the season

How many seasons as a Stallion?
1st - poached from the enemy (raiders, not all the other teams in div 7)

Are you a dual Stallion? If so what game are you best at?
Yes, only just. Played two cricket games with a poor batting average, not allowed to bowl, and one magnificent on drive sliced between three opposition players. The missus reckons I’m a triple stallion ;)

Greatest Stallion Moment?
Scoring with my first touch of the ball as a stallion, hattrick on debut, the look on the finemasters face upon doing so.

Worst Stallion Moment?
Angry man tirade at Chris Jones the f@#$%@ cheating @#%@^ @#%% c@%@ from Marist.

Describe your last goal for the Stallions
Magnificent curling screamer from just outside the centre circle, past a sprawling stop out goal keeper and his defender.

Complete the sentence - As a player I am susceptible to ...
Exaggerating goals, not passing, not subbing, not listening to the coach, angry man tirades, over use of the ‘c’ word

Most under-rated Stallion?
Steve Hodges, without whom we would all have to put up with the abuse as ref!

Finish this sentence. The Stallions need more?
Oranges at half time

Which international player are you most like?
John arne riise, red, underachiever, powerful shot from waaay outside the box

Where will the Stallions finish in 2008?
3rd, with a 4-0 victory last day of the season.

Picture: Gus on the wrong side of the fence again. Sorry for the photo, but after heroics of jumping the fence, Gus wasn't keen to hang around in the baboon enclosure for a decent photo. Robin crapping his pants probably didn't help. Also sorry for the delay in posting this Gus, your crap goal described here has been replaced by an even more bullshit goal (if that's possible). Can't you just poke the ball in from a metre?