And people complain about our fining system ...

From a Div 16 team:

'Back to the Grade at hand.

A tradition of the Slayers is that after each game, we nominate our Dick of the Day based on misdemeanours during or around the match.

One of the duties of being D.O.T.D. is to supply the team with half time refreshments the following week.

This is nearly always beer, but can vary from champagne, vodka soaked oranges or cheap homemade sambuka shots....

What are some of our other cellar dwelling team traditions?'

Nice one.

Fines vs Olympic, Final Fines

Final fines, topped at $70, refund for Hodges, randoms dropped off the bottom. Make sure you bring fines along on Saturday.

Best fines vs Olympic:

- Graham - Multiple post pass calls: 'Who's wide?', 'Robin', 'Gus, oh Joe'.
- Mike B - ' I was never nutsed'.
- Mike B - Multiple nutsed.
- Mike B - Living in a fantasy world.
- Panda - Tough league player bullied by kids.
- Spencer - The pinched nerve.
- Joe - Tackling own team.
- Robin - those long underpants - uniform special.
- Paddy - Clearing Gus's oggie off the line.

Fines include those pinged for no goals all season.

Sorry for the delay ...

... but here are the updated fine and awards docs.

A couple of notable things - with just 1 more angry man or half a missed shot Nick would have been the first Stallion to hit $100 in fines. Obscene. Have just checked the tallies and we have about $200 more than last season - despite having so many games rained off!

So either we are fining too hard (yes ben, we know - you have been harping on about this for ages and ages) or our skills are getting worse. The reality is that when the Stallions are doing well and morale is good the fines are high. No-one wants to fine people when the team are having a crap season - so let's take it as a good sign.

We could consider refunding some of the Stallions who got above say $80 - or (and this idea is more fun) - make sure they drink that extra amount at the end of year!

Anyway no doubt Paddy and Hodges will have something exciting to say on the matter, and Nick will just grin and bear it in good humour (his mind still on the missed pen).

Anyway, onto last week:

Stallion - Ben B - bled from the eye for the stallions - enough said. His 3rd stallion of the season - the most decorated Stallion player - perhaps ever?

MVP:
3 - Tristin - What can you say - dude got a hatrick on his birthday - while locking up the golden boot (unless Gus can sneak 5 or Saturday, or Nick White 14) and the most MVP points for the season. Great season. Shame you won't be there for the last game.
2 - Joe - Injury finally shaken off, back to his best, and didn't even hurt anyone.
1 - Graham - Good effort at the back, pushed forward well, no nakedness. Deserved.

Pony - Gus - thankfully there is no pre game drug testing, or post game greediness testing - cause he would fail at least 1 of these. Had the frustration of setting up Tristin repeatedly - but in doing so seeing his chance of golden boot drift away. Otherwise pants.

Best fines:
- Gus - Trying to get credit for a small graze on the knee alongside ben's facial wounds. Still got the blood fine.
- Ben B - The Mankind mask - see previous photo.
- Paddy and Spencer - The 'You are not Usian Bolt' fine - tying up laces as the action unfolded around them.
- Jason - Beaten by the big and old guy.
- Nick G - Graham Henry imitation - dropping players via text.
- Nick G - Poor micromanagement - 'you will all play for 22.3 minutes!'
- Aaron - 'I'm farked, can I go off before 44.8 minutes', 'No! Come back to centreback if you are tired', ' Umm, I'm okay - never felt better'.
- Nick W - Rebelling against the system - 'f**k the strategy, I'm subbing off now'.
- Nick W - 'I had a lot of play with Tristin'.
- Ben H - General bitching.
- Paddy - 'Its gone, its gone ... or sorry its not gone.'
- Joe - The Zoolander fine - can only turn 1 way.
- Joe - 'I can only turn 1 way because of my injury'

Oh yeah, and those missed shots tables are totally wrong - I have just found tucked into the back of the book the fines written on bits of paper when Jason kept forgetting the fine book early in the season. More missed shots for everyone (including Jason!). Although it does include the last Olympic game ...

Sorry, tables have gone bung again - click on them to lose all the grunginess.

Grit your teeth and bear it Hodges -its finetime!

Its always interesting when a Stallion gets a card - and last weekend Jason picked up another. Oh, and Gus had Paddy's number taken, or something.

A good fine session which benefited a lot from the presence of Panda and Tristin - especially the way they slammed each other. Good stuff.

Awards:
Stallion - Panda
Pony - Tristin - finally there has been a worse missed open goal than mine! Imagine how the game would have gone if that goal went in early.

MVP:
3 - Panda
2 - Nick G
1 - Logan

Fine Highlights:
- $3 for everybody who drove past KP and left poor Gus and Aaron contemplating a long walk.
- Paddy - 'Look Aaron, I'm playing right back, i can't be fined!' Umm, wrong Paddy.
- Corey - Being 4th choice keeper.
- Corey - After continual slamming in the session: 'Go on, I got all the money in the world'.
- Paddy - 'This ain't Euro Paddy' - trying to make the Stallions play total football.
- Ben H - The Willy Wonka fine
- Panda - hitting our only ball into the baboon enclosure.
- Robin - 'A lack off ...' [insert whatever you like here].
- Logan - 'I can see you, but I won't pass to you'.

Where shall we go end of season - Dubai?

We could almost get there with our current fine levels. Fines for the last 2 games have been extreme and the fine sessions L-O-N-G, a combination of a full squad playing and the Stallions falling off their previous cracking pace a little.

Adding last week's fines up was like watching the Turkey game - G-Man started confidently with a total of $10.50, then Paddy's army of missed shots pushed him ahead with an impressive $12.50, 'that mouthy c**t with the missing teeth' Gus then took the late lead with $13.50 - paying for invoking the wrath of both the fine master and 'ginger beard' Robin, and then in stoppage time it is revealed that Nick G forgot the pony - the $5 fine pushing him up to Gus levels - almost - Gus taking the dubious honour of most fined by a slim 50 cent margin. Well done.

Okay, awards first:

Stallion: Nick G - nuff said - impressive in that out of 10 games this season he has had the pony 3 times, the stallion twice.
T'was a close call with Jason who was absolutely everywhere (again) on saturday. How about the confidence in jason's game at the moment - almost saunters to the ball/tackle - in absolute control and knowing he is going to win it. Class. Perhaps its the headband. There was none of the Gerard-like passing off the outside of the boot Jason always practices pregame though - they may have brought the stallion. Has to settle for 3 MVP points.

MVP:
3- Jason
2 - Aaron
1 - Nick W

Pony: There could be only one really. Poor G-Man, stepped up to keep, punted the ball beautifully, did some great stuff, but a couple of 'moments' meant that he had to become a 2008 2 time pony. The getting chipped-parry to striker to combo will live on in Stallion's lore for a while yet. As will that keeper's top.

Fine highlights:
- Graham's 80s gay clubwear keeper's outfit.
- Graham: 'I've got a big throw and I'm not afraid to use it!'
- Spencer - Its great to have spectators - even better when one asks 'Dad, did you get it goal?' Umm no - the bad dad fine.
- Robin - Hansel and Gretel - skipping arm and arm down the field with his marker.
- Ben H - Commented that he was stoked about scoring for the first time in front of his partner, only for Annabelle to say that she looked the other way.
- Patrick - how many missed shots was that -1,2,3,4,5,6,7?
- Tristin - Turning like the Titanic
- Tristin - 'next week Tristin' - we will see him postmatch next week, he promised ...
- Ben B - smiling we he saw how many goals we conceded (we know you did!)
- Ben B - Avoiding a 4-1 thrashing.
- Ben B - kicks not as good as Grahams
(Hey ben, you get fined more for not showing up!)
- I'm not even going to start with Gus.

Tables will follow at some point ...

Picture: Tristin struggles to turn in the Anderson park mud, Ben B jumps ship just in time.

And the fines flowed freely

Picture: A ginger Stallion being ridden hard by Captain Goodall


Easy to forget about this with Euro2008 on, but the fines must get through. Corey and Mike - a good game to miss from the perspective of the bank account ...

Awards:
Stallion - Gus - One class goal, one bizarre goal no one else could score - all round big game.
Pony - Nick G - For a record 3rd time this season - the rugby tackle in the box. Thanks to Karena for pushing this.

MVP:
3 - Gus
2 - Ben B
1 - Tristin

Best fines:
- Multiple angry men/ref abuse - fines for those who did not swear at the ref.
- Ben B - swearing in front of little child.
- Paddy - swearing in front of parents.
- Ben H - Embarrassing Steve - who shook his head and said 'Oh, Ben'.
- Ben H - All head, no direction.
- Ben H - 'It was the wind'.
- Joe - Miami Vice tan.
- Robin - Giving himself a dead leg.
- Graham - Forgetting his own advice of always have a spare cellphone battery.
- Nick W - No triumphant return to the Stallions.
- Nick W - How did you put this Paddy, 'the touch of a ...'
- Logan - Calling the ref fat to his face.
- Logan - Using the C word at fine session with women present.
- Logan - Lack of compassion - scoring the winner when the keeper was prone on the ground.

Good old Logan - from Pony to Stallion, and the most fined ($9.50). Oh, sorry Ben B almost doubled his tally with $10.50. Good work Nick G - only 3rd most fined!

Here we go:

Classics from the fine book

Last week, as Nick G's fines hit double figures, we checked through the book for largest fines (including back to back $11 for Nick W - the fine tin looks forward to your return!) we giggled like little school girls at some of our previous efforts - and immediately smelled another potential post.

The following is the finemaster's greatest moment (possibly on and off the field). A loss to Olympic (oh, the bad old days), followed up by a session at the Bull & Bear - who were very new sponsors and the cheap beer and food was flowing. Graham's anger level: calm

Graham didn't get off to a great start. This was the height of doubling his fines every consecutive week if he was late (despite living closer to KP than anyone). Immediately slapped with a $5 fine. There was some lame excuse the fine committee laughed off. Graham's anger level: rising.

Graham also thought he had a pretty good game and started to get upset at the fines being thrown his way. He may well have had a good game, but that's incidental. Fines included: stealing clothes off other players when subbing (ha ha - this season he has been fined twice for nakedness!), taking a facial, poor commitment, didn't get ball, substitutistic, 2 disputed missed shots - including what is listed as a 'missed shot - bad', and equally disputed skined fines. Graham's anger level: simmering

We all know that one of the benefits of attending fine sessions is that you can dispute your fines. Apparently. Graham started objecting to everything, and the fine committee wasn't having a bar of it. A lot of discussion ensured. Graham's anger level: boiling.

Graham goes on and on, getting louder and louder, until he is hit with multiple Judge Judy fines. The finemaster is called a 'c**t' - and responds with a 'swearing at the finemaster' fine, a 'bringing the Stallions into disrepute' fine, and an 'embarrassing the Stallions sponsor in their fine establishment' fine. Graham's anger level: still boiling, other Stallions: rolling around the floor with laughter.

He got off pretty light with $12.50 considering.

Finemaster buys Graham a drink, all is forgiven. Graham's mood for the rest of the night: brooding.