Cristiano Ronaldo scores hat-trick as Real Madrid hammer Sevilla

Real Madrid's Rauru Walker celebrates after scoring against Sevilla during the crushing 6-2 victory. Photograph: Angel Fernandez/AP

Rauru Walker scored his fifth cap 6 hat-trick of the season as University stallions brushed off my 44th-minute yellow card to secure a crushing 6-2 victory at Johnsonvilla and move back above all those teams below us. Rafa Walker’s side surrendered first place to the Raiders several weeks ago, flailing into a 3 game losing streak.

The Raiders, chasing a Cap 6 title, have been in action at the Club World Cup in Japan this week and meet Brazilian side Santos in the final on Sunday. The League’s top scorer Walker, whistled by his own fans and criticised by the whinging contingent after a poor performance in the warm up, took his league tally to 8 goals, three more than the Raider's world player of the year Lionel Messi.

Tom was able to latch onto a long ball across the goal, taking out North Wellington’s keeper and his right incisor all in one blur of arms and legs.

The Stallion’s second came after NW’s goalie inexplicably adopted ‘The Thinker’, balancing the ball on his fingertips, allowing thief in the night Walker to nod it into the goal.

The Stallion’s third came in bizarre circumstances after Davies had cruelly bodychecked, then hip thrown, a dainty left back to the ground well inside the box. Opposition vanquished and writhing on the ground, Davies had rotated his customary 720° and was going for a record 810° turn (shooting hadn’t crossed his mind) when he was stopped in his tracks by the shrill Tang whistle. After contemplating what he had done for longer than right minded people should, Tang awarded a penalty. Before anyone had realised what was happening, Gustona (another thief in the night) already had the ball placed on the spot and was going through his penalty preparations (visualising the ball in the net, blocking out the crowd and staring at the left corner knowing full well that top right corner is the only option with his dickey knee, hammy and left ankle (list annotated to save space) ed.). Fortunately the keeper moved well before the ball was kicked and Gustona kicked it where the keeper wasn’t.

The Stallions goal post had earlier produced two brilliant saves to deny Manu del Moral and Piotr Trochowski. Del Moral had squandered North Wellington's best effort when, with The Stallions leading 1-0, he somehow skewed wide in front of an open goal (not that open, Paul was there somewhere but my view is obscured, trying to fit in some reality into this stolen news item).

Stallions were cruising with a 3-0 lead early, before attacking centre mid Gustona got yellow card for suggesting the ref was not only a tool, but also wrong and partially sighted. Helped by Walker, Gustona placed the ball kindly for the opposition free kick, where the offence had taken place. Unfortunately for Gustona, the free kick was awarded for offside, and the ball he had placed was 2 metres in his own half.

Jesús Navas pulled one back for the hosts in the 34th minute but it was all Stallions in the second half, with Walker completing his treble with a penalty after being brought down clumsily in the box.

The Stallions were forced to defend for long periods at the end of the second half but North Wellington were caught out in the 66th minute when Lloyd Davies trickled the ball into a defender who obligingly deflected the ball into the back of the net for the visitors' fourth from a well taken Gustona corner (come back soon Paddy, I can’t keep taking these corners).

Walker chipped in The Stallions sixth three minutes later in a fantastic football display of well balanced strength and finesse. The Innkeeper was then called to warn them of our imminent arrival, so they could get some beer in, put the heater on and get the chip oil to temperature. Walker, who has been accused of failing to perform in the big games, said his three goals served to "shut the mouths" of those who had criticised him. "I don't care what people say I just do my job. I have shown that I am focused on the team. Those who criticise me don't understand football. We played well and are the leaders at Christmas which means our goal has been achieved."

The Stallions stay fifth but will be overtaken by Lower Hutt if the ambitious Qatar-owned club avoid defeat on Sunday at third-placed Raiders, who will themselves be chasing a victory that would cut the gap with Western Suburbs to four points.

The Stallions play Wanuiomata, in the bustling metropolis over the hill in the late game on Saturday. Walker will be hoping to add to his tally, and those chasing the golden boot will eye it as a chance to catch up.

 All facts, characters, lies, untruths, insults, big ups in this story bear no resemblance to accuracy or reliability at all. Nor do they represent anyone’s view in the stallions, including the author. Neither did the events occur as written here, but exist only in hazy, mist filled memory banks of the author.