For the FPL Stallions: FPL Season Round Up

The 2015/2016 FPL season has finished. And it was a good one, well at least at the top which went right to the wire. But as should always happen, Good triumphed over evil, the fans were appeased, the crown returned to the King.

From top to bottom:

Player: Aaron

Team: Staccies

2016: Champion

History: 4 time champ

Unlike the EPL, the powerhouse, bookie’s favourite, won the FPL. Why not? Has won 4 out 6 seasons (not enough room on the sleeves for all those stars). This is the name other teams whisper in fear at night. Survived a dodgy start (remember this Rauru? - http://unistallions.blogspot.co.nz/2015/08/fantasy-epl.html) but took the lead 3/4 through and never relented. Never in doubt. Virtually unbeatable. Did rely on the help of Payet: 2 big captain hauls at key moments (one triple captain to counter Gerald’s bench boost).

EPL-alike: Chelsea (just not this season’s version): Arrogant, dirty, talks it up, hated by all teams (but secretly admired), history shows a couple of missteps, but always odds on to win in a canter. Draws all the neutrals, the shirt sponsorships and tv rights.

Player: Heath

Team: Nosejobs

2016: Runner up

History: 2 x runner up

As with the real Stallions, arrived with swagger into FPL with a bunch of new players (Gerald, Tim) to blow away most of the original players. Dangerous: a bit of a wildcard, makes some crazy choices, many of which come off. But his regular bridesmaid-to-Aaron status is something most other teams can only dream of. This season he nearly pulled off a final game miracle. Facing a 50 point deficit, he captains Mane, brings in Giroud, and ends up cutting that lead to a dangerously close 15 points. As Aaron got negative points as Smalling scored an oggie, all looked like the season might be over. Oh yes, and where did he come from this season? Rauru, remember this? - http://unistallions.blogspot.co.nz/2015/08/fantasy-epl.html

EPL-alke: Arsenal (F**kers)

Player: Gerald

Team: Palmy13
2016: 3rd

History: 1 x runnerup, 2 x 3rd

The thinking man’s team. Throughly researched, smart moves, somehow managed to patiently save his wildcard for the final game (how did that work out for you G? EPIC FAIL!) - but boring, lacking the high-risk approach of Heath who he is consistently fighting with for 2nd and 3rd. Terrible end of season - was playing for first with 2 games to go, had all the advantages - but choked  - not only lost the battle for first, but watched as Heath stole second place on the final day. Yes, its obvious who the EPL-alike is:

EPL-alike: Tottenham

Player: Nick

Team: South Coast Taniwha

2016: 4th

History: 2nd (twice), 3rd (3 times)

Tradition. This is Nick’s 10th FPL season (far more than the other Stallions). Congratulations! A decade of mediocrity! Has never won the Stallions League (and the fact that he does much better in the Island Bay leagues illustrates the relative IQs of both clubs). You never know what you are going to get from Nick: hints of brilliance but then some absolute, absolute shite. Almost feels like he will be a contender, but then inevitably falls away - probably as a result of wasting time on endless twitter battles with Rauru. His FPL style is much like his infamous ‘I fell in the duckshit’ penalty fail for the Stallions.

EPL-alike: Stoke (a-lona). Tradition - the oldest surviving team in the EPL, impossible to know who is going to show up, and he has an embarrassing man crush on Arnautovic.

Player: Tim

Team: White Line Fever

2016: 5th

History: 1 x champion

Won the league on his debut season, blowing everyone away. Looked like a new force had arrived, but has suffered the indignity of mid table finishes ever since. A far better player than Nick and really should be finishing higher than him. Led the league for parts of the season, always looked like he was going to pounce. Plays with resolve and determination. Will argue for weeks why a particular player will score soon (discussing formations, pitch conditions, top 40 singles), but perhaps outplays/nutmegs himself. 

EPL-alike: Leicester (in about 3 years). After a believe-it-or-not winning season has dropped down to be average at best, always dining out on the ‘good old days’ stories of the 13/14 season. May end up running a pub with Jamie Vardy (no bouncers required there).

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This is the point where if we had relegation, it would kick in. Wouldn’t that be hilarious - especially Rauru having to go play in the championship for a season.

Player: Logan

Team: Cheong Ju Tigers
2016: 6th

History: last, last, relegated/did not play, 2nd to last, 2nd to last, 3rd to last.

I guess that history makes this Logan’s most successful season yet! Congrats! Oh yes, do we remember this - http://unistallions.blogspot.co.nz/2015/08/fantasy-epl.html
Started the season on fire - but that is because it was such a topsy turvy period which rogue, wildcard actions actually stood a chance. Red arrows pretty much ever since, well at least until Rauru started spending 100s of transfer points in a desperate attempt to look like he didn’t give a shit any more. Logan tries the same game: he’s always apparently too busy, he didn’t have time, he forgot - but somehow transfers seemed to be made. Next season I propose we set up an average dummy team in GW1, make no transfers all season, and I bet it beats Logan. But he’s funny as hell, and brings necessary humour to the game.

EPL-alike - these guys, since its just too easy to say Norwich (and I feel kind of sad for Norwich):

Player: Rauru

Team: #Stallions

2016: 7th

History: 1 x champion, runnerup (twice)

A stain on this fine game, an embarrassment to that team name. Talks the most smack, but delivers the least results. In fairness, at least he kept the banter going all season ever when it was clear where he was going to finish. A once proud, championship winning side in tatters. Spent weeks saying he had unearthed a fpl gem player, kept this secret for ages, and then told us it was ... wait for it ... wait for it ... Scott Sinclair. Sums up his season and the vision right there.

There is only one possible EPL-alike - Newcastle (not that excellent final game Newcastle who would have put 5 past any team in Europe). The comparsison is both in the team (ugly, aggressive, painful to watch), and its star player - Rauru’s self destruction over the last couple of game weeks is much like Mitrovich in the Spurs game: scores a goal, an assist, then blatantly tries to break someone’s leg, gets sent off, walks off swearing at everyone, taking a swing at his own players. Class.

Player: Graham

Team: Tractor Boys

2016: Last

History: 2nd to last, 3rd to last, last, last, last ( I see a pattern forming)

We all know that Graham is a legit genius, but what the hell is up with this? He doesn’t seem to be playing (10 transfers all season - Rauru’s done that many before breakfast), but then suddenly he plays - when it seems there is a chance to beat Logan or Rauru. He is a genius and he is competitive  - total f**ken enigma. He might be running this whole game/world as far as I know. He certainly could dedicate his non-shaving time to team selection - perhaps that way he would not be so bad. 

EPL-alike: Aston Villa (he is so Aston Villa he made this comparison himself on twitter, but I guess when you support Ipswich in real life you will take anything.)

In fairness though, as this table from the end of the 2011(?) season shows, Graham didn’t finish last when the other Stallions used to play - who is that Indifferent player right down the bottom there? And who is this Miracle of Istanbul? Maybe a return from relegation for these and other new players next season? You will end up somewhere below Heath, Gerald, Tim, but above Nick, Rauru and Logan. 

#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
	1	005	Aaron L	51	2,151
	2	Poroufessor	Rauru Walker	56	1,970
	3	koomes	Daniel Wharakura	50	1,968
	4	Porirua City	Jason Aitofi	23	1,943
	5	South Coast Taniwha	Nick Goodall	43	1,772
	6	Miracle of Istanbul	Patrick Sawyer	56	1,765
	7	Portman Rd Plodders	Graham Mann	55	1,735
	8	LL	Lachlan Lepper	32	1,643
	9	Team Indifferent	Paul Kilford	19	1,449

Until next season ... Rauru, since your EPL predictions were SO off target again, maybe you should start the fpl season with some prediction?

God is there really a blog tag 'Aaron wins again' - I'll use that one (its just above 'Aaron bowls pies'.

Final standings:

	#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
	1	Staccies	Aaron L	42	2,233
	2	Nosejobs	heath smith	77	2,218
	3	Palmy13	Gerald Joe	54	2,200
	4	South Coast Taniwha	Nick Goodall	56	2,143
	5	White line Fever	Tim Robinson	45	2,131
	6	Cheong Ju tigers	Logan Mead	34	1,995
	7	#Stallions	Rauru Walker	45	1,944
	8	Tractor Boys	Graham Mann	51	1,622

Twin wins for cricketing Stallion winners

Due to the deluge of interest in the cricketing Stallion's progress, a double report follows, reporting on our twin victories. Modest types, us cricketing winners, but if you insist on hearing all the news...


Boycott biffs, Vampire slays, Stallions trot past Norths at Kura Park‏

A second consecutive win for the Stallions against North City at Kura Park. After skillfully having ourselves inserted on a track sporting a fair amount of crack we struggled a little against their tidy openers, being 3 down for circa 20 (the scorebook is a little hazy here) when Rob came in to join Butch. Thankfully these two old campaigners managed to put together another one of our familiar middle-order recovery missions. Butch was rolling the right dice and played some fine shots off both back and front foot in between the numerous chances, finishing up with a useful 48. Rob's innings was as usual chanceless-ish, and with some good running and effective risk-taking we were back on a fairly even keel before Tony came in after the fall of two (extremely unlucky) wickets. After being talked up as some kind of Boycott-esque throwback, Mr Liefting duly turned in a Jekyll of a performance, thrashing away in the hopes of avoiding having to do anything as strenuous as jogging a single. Rob was inspired and tried to clear the ropes, perishing for 28. T made 47 invaluable runs before gratefully staggering off for a lie down. Their openers returned to keep the last five overs tidy despite Keast's surgical incisions, meaning that we finished on a respectable 181-9.

Our efforts in the field didn't get off to the best of starts as we started the first over with 9 players due to Cantabrian subterfuge/ineptitude. The first three overs went for a few, with the bat thrown at anything near off stump and the hungover, angry 'all-rounder' not quite justifying his hogging of the new ball. Rich bowled extremely well, applying pressure at one end and starting the rot by bowling the 'danger man' around his legs. From there we began to pick them off, giving away very few runs and leaving them at 5-40 off 13. Rich ended up with four maidens in a row (he says) and figures of 7-4-12-2. A chance went down soon after, and from shaky ground they built up a steady partnership as the drizzle started to threaten our chances. Glen and Graham both started well, and the required run rate was still slowly building. Mike "Vampire" Sleyer found his rhythm after five overs, and the partnership was broken when a second lofted chance at long-off was spectacularly intercepted by that fleet fox Liefting. Mike ran through the rest of their batsmen with a mixture of line, length and accurate use of cracks, ending with 4-27. Ever the gentleman, on picking up consecutive wickets Mike decided that he'd pass up the opportunity for a hattrick and instead aim a beamer at the new batsman in order to give him a sighter. Jase toiled away with impressive control over the drizzly ball and absolutely no luck, finally being rewarded with the last wicket when the ball hit the bat followed by the pad, then being caught by the wicket keeper- confusion reigned, even after the batsman was given out. It's a perplexing game at times. Norths all out for 140, a 41 run victory for the Stallions.

Great effort in the field to keep plugging away in the damp conditions when things weren't going our way. We're still not putting the runs on the board in a consistent manner, though it is good to see different batsmen putting their hand up each week to save our arses. With a few tweaks we should be good to continue our rise up the table- we're now comfortably fifth, and those early losses are a distant memory.

Good attendance at the Four Kings for a thorough fine session well 'lubed' with cheap Speights. Luckily, Ravishing Ricky Tay only made us wait half an hour for his fragrant body. The Chch boys BC and Jake the Muss kept us entertained with stories from the deep, dark, depraved end of the world, and Iain's stalker seemed happy just to be a part of proceedings, a mere table-length away from the handsome devil himself. Once again we didn't manage to come up with a candidate for Pony on the night... somehow I think that forgetting the scorebook might swing things my way. Sorry fullas. I'll stay off the margaritas until at least April, I reckon.


05/12/09

A solid first win for the Stallions on Saturday in the unseasonal sunshine at Kelburn Park. Onslow put us in on a hard bouncy track and we suffered another unsteady start, with two wickets down before we'd broken our collective duck. Jase hung around for a while and toyed with us all by smashing one straight onto the croquet green before departing for 19. Rob and Hamish came together with the score at 43-4 and put together an excellent partnership to drag us out of trouble. Both batsmen regained the fluency of old and it was classy stuff, only tempered by the overgrown outfield which probably took about 20-30% off their totals. Which is a shame for Rob, since he fell 1 short of a well-deserved fifty (having believed that our astounded applause following his pulled six was intended to mark this milestone...). Hamish fell shortly after for a very well compiled and timely 73. Glen and Mike Sleyer managed to put together a handy partnership in the last few overs, each clearing the longish boundaries with actual cricket shots. Our final total of 189-9 was tidy given the outfield, and impressive given our unfortunate start. We are starting to regularly build big partnerships in the middle order, but obviously these will ideally follow solid starts as well.

The hard bouncy track was enough to lure me and my ego out of bowling retirement (that, and my pathetic dismissal earlier in the day), and with Rich bowling well into a very light breeze we had a tidy start, picking up their openers and conceding very few runs in the first 12 overs. Glen bowled another excellent spell and was supported by Henry at the other end, who has the knack of putting the ball in the 'right areas' consistently. These bowling partnerships are also vital as we all know and this continued throughout Onslow's innings so that there was never any let up in pressure. Onslow were 58-4 at drinks and needed nearly six an over already. Jase bowled a good spell from the croquet club end and Sleyer went from strength to strength, bowling 8 overs on the trot and picking up two vital wickets, including the partnership breaker. It was great to see the control from the bowlers, with very few four balls handed out and some enthusiastic and even at times athletic fielding to back it up. Hamish swapped the gloves with Rob and as usual beguiled his way through an unlucky spell, as Onslow withered and faded without much fight. Glen and Rich came back to finish things off, with Rich deservedly picking up some tail end wickets to finish with 3-23. Onslow finished all out for 149, 40 runs short of victory with only an over in hand. Butch and I reckon we can't remember a more consistent team bowling effort in ten years playing for this team.

Heart stopping cricket match ends in draw.

A draw for the cricketing Stallions on Saturday after some salvage work with the bat including an outstanding innings of 119 from Jase. Turning up to a soaked and drizzly Macalister, it didn't look likely that we would get through a full day's play. Colls decided to bat on, and continued in the same vein from the week before plundering 115 runs in 11 overs to build up an imposing lead. Their number 10 ended up with 110*, which helped to take them from 148-8 through to 334-9.

Faced with a lot of hard work we didn't get off to the best of starts, but Geoff and Jase put together a tidy partnership before things slipped again and we were 57-3, still more than a hundred behind. Jase and I managed to stick it out for a while and work away on a pitch that was generally not too terrifying to bat on. Rob chipped in with handy runs, and Jase continued to do his thing without looking in the slightest bit troubled. We pushed our lead out past 50 and the clock was ticking as we lost reasonably regular wickets again. Jase picked up his century and carried on through to 119 before their fielders managed to do what their bowlers never looked like doing. When JP was once again robbed of the batting spotlight we had made it close to safety with a second innings score of 241. This left them 76 to win with 5 overs remaining in the day. Their captain asked about fielding regulations- there aren't any... We held them to 39-4 and picked up some handy wickets thanks to Glen and Graham- useful for the points table.

Stallion Glory Awaits

Alright you muppets, we're all go, with perfect conditions. 

Be there for start at 2. If you still don't know where you are going... learn to read. Mt Cook School is on Tory Street, just before the Buckle St corner. 

If we have time and energy we could have a series consisting of a test, one-dayer and 20-20 (for you gibbering phillistines). The Ponies may also be bringing a bouncy ball to wave their feet at. 

By the way, the draw now shows us starting the season on Nov 1 with a game against Karori at Elsdon in beautiful Porirua.