Screw You Raiders

The Uni Stallions have made an audacious pre-season signing - poaching one of the Raiders who carved them up last year.

While this player's name remains unidentified for legal reasons the above photograph may provide some clues - especially for fans of the breathtaking skills shown by the 5-a-side team Jules and the Stallions. This player top scored for the team, but is best known for lying prone on the ground after saving the penalty with his umm dangly bits, a sacrifice that got the team through to the grand final of the tournament. His contribution to the final played just minutes later was minimal.

The player is looking to renew his lethal partnership with J&TS, and the other minor Stallions who did not make that elite team. He is coming after Ben Hodges's leading goal scorer crown. His exact words were 'what the big, clumsy ape of a man who kept falling over his own feet - he's your top goal scorer?'

The above photograph may be deceptive. In 2 games for the cricket stallions this season, this player averaged just 7.5.

Confidential...

Okay lads
Here is my casual attempt at sorting out ‘tactics’ for the season. Lets be honest, I use the word tactics in a very loose manner but it’s good to go into the season with a bit of a plan as to how we are going to go about winning the league, and understanding our and everyone else’s roles.

So I had a little bit of fun in excel to come up with the following technical display of our proposed formation, using a 4-3-3 after feedback last year questioning the 3-5-2 - and my lazy mans role of sweeper ;) !!

Overall I think this will let us keep our strong central midfield, continue to use the wings and crosses which are dangerous but simple, it opens up plenty of space, provides numbers in defence and a chance for all to attack.

Now this is how I see the roles of each of the positions:

CB Mark strikers, support wing backs and CM's to help create space in attack, communicate constantly with each other

LB/RB Mark strikers, sweep when ball on opposite side, support midfield and wingers, cross ball, communicate with CB's, get wide on attack and narrow on defence

CM Support CB's, mark midfielders (especially at edge of area), create space, distribute to all areas of the park (especially through balls for wings), support AM and Forwards, hold run on crosses, back yourself to shoot when within range

AM Sit right behind ST, get into the box, assist CM's in defence, attack crosses with venom, shoot!

LW/RW Stay wide on attack, make plenty of runs, cross the ball, cut in and shoot, squeeze in on defence to assist midfield, hold attacking run to clean up and finish any crosses from opposite wing

ST Stick on last man to lengthen field and create space for midfield, hold the ball up (use AM behind), beat your man, use wingers, attack crosses, shoot, shoot, shoot

In the defensive third, mainly around the goal box, we should all be tightly man marking, especially on set pieces.

Now of course we still want plenty of variety and cross over between roles, which all helps keep the opposition guessing, just remember to communicate or it's wasted.

Also, I know you have probably all got differing ideas on each of these roles and descriptions, that’s fine and I am more than happy to get discussions going after the game for how we should change or adapt things but the main thing early on is that we all understand and buy into the same strategy.

Looking forward to the weekend

Nick

The Greatest Footballer Div 7 has ever known

There has not been a lot of debate about who the most valuable stallion is likely to be this season . Based on last season everyone is of one voice- Ben Hodges.


Ben H Scored a whopping 9 goals last season. Admittedly Rauru's 19 in the previous season is numerically superior. However, in every other respect Ben's goals overshadow Rauru's. I challenge any one here to recall a single one of Rauru's goals.... Yet merely mention Ben Hodges and football in the same sentence and anyone within earshot become abstracted with a wistful smile as they think back to some of those heart stopping, net ripping moments when Ben seemingly descended from the football heavens and thumped the leather in to the onion bag in a way that made anyone watching feel they had transcended the very fabric of the space time continuum.

The audacious overhead volley against Olympic; the explosive header against Tawa - the goalie's flapping hand fortunate to have missed it, for had he in fact got a hand to it, the hand would surely have shattered in to a million pieces; the ear splitting right footed volley against Uni Wanderers 3 seasons ago, which had it not been for the rising bank of solid earth behind the goal the ball would surely still be rising now.

There will be no commentary to this post as everyone is of one mind. They are in unison in their belief that they live in a time of footballing magnificence.

Hail Ben Hodges bringer of footballing light, Ben Hodges who makes the impossible possible.


But Ben is more than just a goal scorer of historic importance, he is a provider too. His faultless, nay compassionate crosses in to the box, his ability to deliver simple goal scoring opportunities to his team mates so weak of shot and hazy of aim shows he is no Rauru Albatross but a true lover of the game and the people that shareth his canary yellow shirt.

Aaron, it barely needs to be done but perhaps a vote system for goal of the season or previous seasons?

Classic Stallions Moment #2 - The Ludlow Curse

With only 1 week until the season begins, it is worth reminding ourselves of one of the most memorable Stallion debuts.

Aaron Ludlow comes into the Stallions, shows up for the first game vs Uni Raiders and slots into left back. About 3 minutes in, his raking pass from 40 metres ends up in the back of the Raiders's net to much celebration and surprise (especially from Aaron - who to his credit never claimed it was a shot - most unstallion-like). Had we found a saviour?

The next tackle sees Aaron's ankle snap. He limps off, never to play for the Stallions again. He showed up to watch a couple of times in a full cast.

From that point on 'The Ludlow Curse' has hovered over the Stallions - after all the pre-season excitement a major early season injury leaving a poor stallion on the sidelines, counting how much those subs work out on a per second basis.

The following season it was Rauru, cut down from behind about 2 seconds after slotting the first goal of the season (possibly explaining the 1 vote for Marist in our most hated opponent poll).

Hopefully next week we can get a win - and all walk away unassisted.

Image: Aaron Ludlow enviously watches the Stallions's extensive pre-season training regime from the other side of the fence. The byline clearly refers to our strikers.

A brotherhood of Stallions ...

Update: Sorry Ben, after your comment I could not resist. Pot/Kettle/Black. Too easy I know, but too much fun to refuse ...



Uni Stallions, meet Sydney's Marconi Stallions - http://www.marconifc.com/squad.htm

Those huge mugshot-like photographs ain't pretty - but with our gelled-up pretty boys Jules, Glen and Rauru gone, the Uni Stallions wouldn't do much better.

There is one other point of connection between the two teams. After 4 games the Marconi Stallions are at the bottom of the table with 0 wins, 1 draw and 3 losses (goal diff -5). Let's keep an eye on their progress, and make sure our results are better.

Special prize for anyone who can pick this random guy's position/brutal crime.

Stallion SuperPowers 1 - Nick W

Magneto has weird X-Man powers - so he had magnets in his hands that attracted metal. So what? I'd rather fly.

Nick W shares his powers. He has an uncanny ability to attract footballs to his hands when defending inside the Stallion goalbox. It is an irresistible force.

Every superhero has a nemesis. Magneto has Dr X. Nick W has Referee Steve Hodges who never misses this ball handling (perhaps through all that experience of watching Ben blossom into a man).

Pictures:
(left) Magneto juggles some balls
(right) Even in this beautiful mountainous environment objects are attracted to Nick's hands.

Where's Patrick?

Despite the evidence suggested in this photograph, the manically-grinning, impish Patrick (front row, 4th from right) is not included in the new poll because he is a pillar of the community and there is no way he would stoop so low as to even consider such dastardly actions. Not because after an average debut season with the Stallions I totally forgot he was in the team ...

Notably absent from the photograph - recently poached Lloyd. Apart from the fear struck in the hearts of our opponents and the sweat lingering on the pink headband there is little evidence of his time in the Stallions. Good luck Lloyd, oh yes we will miss you ...

If only we could attract female viewers to this site. They could look at this photograph and vote for the hottest stallion. Of course the best contenders were broken down and feet up at home by this stage of the season ...

Classic Stallions Moment #1 – the first red card

I wasn’t there, but I’ve heard the story so many times the picture is pretty clear. This is the gospel truth.

The halcyon season of 2002-2003, vs United Terrace, or really ‘Justice’ and 10 other guys. Ben B in goal.

A typically spiteful game between these 2 teams (remember last season’s classic 35 minute half?). Earlier one of the Hodges gets in a bit of a scrap and is saved by the other.

Another scuffle breaks out, and is well controlled by the Stallions ref. Meanwhile Ben B charges out of goal, arrives at halfway just as everyone else is getting back on with the game and king-hits Justice from behind.

The Stallions are in shock at this unstallion-like behaviour and the 25 seconds it took Ben to get to the fracas. Terrace are more interested in scoring as our keeper stands over his vanquished foe on halfway.

Anyways, that’s how I heard it.

An (Epic) History, By B Hodges

In September 2001 the world changed. 2 planes crashed in to the World Trade Centre, killing 3000 people, a global war on terror ensued.

Commentators point to the U.S.'s foreign policy and the increasing divide between the have and the have-nots as precursors to the events of September 11th.

However, had not a bunch of Weir House residents and wardens decided to form the Uni Stallions some 6 months later the world may now have been at peace.

Why these lads, with an obscene lack of football skills, should have chosen to form a football team is uncertain.

What is known, is that in 2001 the prophet Faq-i-Needa Bair had a vision the Stallions were coming, and that the awful displays of the Stallions in their first season would shake the football world to its knees - the Stallions had to be stopped.

In September 2001 Bair dispatched the Afghani-Pakistan Border Region Sunday Pub League death squad to New Zealand via hijacked planes in New York for a preemptive strike on Weir House the whore building of Stallions spawn . Bair's and the world's hope of Stallions annihilation was denied by the twin towers... I case of hitting the posts and out one might say.

And so it came to pass in 2002 18 losses from 18 games. The beautiful game desecrated.

Packed with cricket and rugby players, the Stallions abysmal run continued in the 2003 season. But hope- a draw or two, a win as well.

2004: upper lower table

As a few footballers joined campaigns improved

2005 Lower mid table

2006 Upper mid table and recognition - V.U.W.F.C. Team of the Year

Stallions' football has developed its own lexicon and culture; doing a "Rauru Albatross", a "Julesirelli Twinkle", a "Hodges Toe-Hack", or simply a "Ben Brooks", just some of the expressions attempting to capture the almost unspeakable horrors of Stallions play.

As testament to the abject horror of the Stallions squad, a weekly prize of a pink headband or "the Pony" award (to be worn by the winner at the next game) is awarded based on the most despicable, pathetic, convoluted, or ridiculous performance/ pre-match utterance/event.

Fear and loathing has resulted in the Pony's securing a corner of the Club Rooms each Saturday for their own, the corner is known simply as"the Stables" or the "Knackers Yard"

The Stallions now have a cell in at least one other country, and across two sporting codes (Football and Cricket). Proliferation of other Stallions codes is expected with current Stallion players in either code having first right of refusal to join the team.

Stallions Highlights:
In 2004 an Olympic player waving his testicles at the team and offering them for breakfast- for the record the invitation was politely declined.
2007 Ben Hodges managing to start( but not take part in) a fight in a match he was just wandering past (Marist Inter v Uni Raiders)